


Know Real Fear

by barbex



Series: Solid Fluidity Verse [2]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: Angst, Explicit Sexual Content, F/M, Friendship, Romance, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-20
Updated: 2014-04-01
Packaged: 2018-01-13 05:20:02
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 34,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1214191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barbex/pseuds/barbex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jack doesn't need friends. She doesn't need anybody. Especially not some snarky pilot chipping away at her safeguards. Who the fuck needs friends when you can have biotic explosions?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> There was a prompt on the kink meme of this pairing and how Joker would show Jack that there were other ways to have sex than she knows about. And I thought "The psychotic biotic and the fragile pilot? No way!" But then I thought about it some more and being an angry powerhouse wasn't exactly Jack's choice, was it? They made her like that but that doesn't mean she wants to be like that. From that thought these two just started talking in my head and wanted to be written down.

 

* * *

"He could have died! Damn you, Shepard, he could have died because you left him here without anyone capable of fighting! He could have died...!"

She suddenly felt her arms pulled back in a strong grip and angrily flared her biotics. No one could hold her like that.

A two-toned voice snarled into her ear. "Don't you think she knows that? Don't you think she blames herself already? What are you trying to gain here?"

Garrus loosened his grip on Jack's arms and turned her around. "She is already blaming herself. I know how you feel, believe me and she knows it too. But you are not really angry at her, you are angry at yourself."

Jack snorted loudly and pushed him away, "Oh, look who got a fucking degree in armchair psychology now?"

"Shut up, Jack. How about you go to your man, the hero who saved the ship and tell him how afraid you were?" Garrus turned around and walked over to Shepard, who stood in front of the CIC station, still like a statue, her hands opening and closing at her sides.

Jack pulled air through her teeth, "I'm not afraid..."

"Whatever, you're wasting time here," Garrus said over his shoulder and then carefully put one hand on Shepard's shoulder. Her head snapped around like she hadn't even realized that anybody was there. Garrus put his arm around her shoulders and walked her over to the elevator. When the doors had closed behind them, Jack heard Shepard yell out in an ear shattering, angry scream that went through the whole ship.

Jack noticed that she was shaking.

_Hot fucking damn it, the turian is right. I'm so afraid._

* * *

 

**About four months earlier, early morning shift.**

She liked sitting in the co-pilot chair at night. The vast blackness of space, a few stars twinkling here and there, even Jack could appreciate the view. She also liked the orange light of the flight controls, how they made the cockpit glow. She actually liked it best when Joker was there as well, but tonight only the relief pilot sat in the main chair. The pilot, Martinez, eyed her from the side as if she was afraid of Jack exploding at any second.

Jack contemplated jumping from her chair to yell "Boo!" at the relief pilot, but decided that would be way too childish. _What a dumb idea._

Behind her she heard the familiar shuffle of Joker, coming up to the cockpit. Martinez jumped out of the chair as if something had bitten her and ran out with a nod towards Joker. He looked confused for a minute, but then discovered her sitting in the co-pilot seat and laughed out. "Have you scared poor Martinez again?"

"I didn't do anything. I was just sitting here," Jack mumbled.

"That's usually enough, crazy Lady," Joker said and slid into the pilot chair. His hands lovingly caressed the leather on the armrest before flying over the translucent display, checking the ship.

Jack had spent a few nights up in the cockpit with Joker. They didn't talk much. She had once tried to rile him up by calling him a cripple and he had called her a psycho experiment and that had been that. She hadn’t thought about how much she liked sitting in the cockpit with him until tonight, when he hadn’t been there.

"Where were you?" she asked.

"Aww, sweety, did you miss me?" Joker asked with the biggest fucking grin he could possibly fit on his face. Jack felt her biotics prickle on her scalp, he was practically asking for a punch to the face. Unfortunately that would be lethal for him and Jack was pretty sure that Shepard would not be very forgiving if she killed her precious pilot.

"Fuck you, you are usually here at this time and Martinez is just creepy," Jack answered. Why the hell did she even start a fucking conversation with the guy?

"Martinez isn't creepy, you're just scary," Joker said without taking his eyes off the flight controls. "I had to run some diagnostics last night and ran a bit later than usual, so I slept a bit longer."

Jack kept looking at his profile, the rim of the stupid cap shading his eyes from the orange glow. "If I'm so scary, why aren't you nervous around me? Martinez always looks like she expects me to fucking burst into flames or something."

That fucking grin was back on Joker's face. "Well, you know, I guess I'm just not afraid of you. Everybody on this ship could break me, you are really no different."

"No different?" Jack snorted out. "Why don't you ask Donelly how he liked it when he was hitting on me."

"Oh, he was complaining about it for a week, you almost broke his arm and every other bone in his body." Joker laughed. "It was great, he was carrying his omni-cast around like a badge of honor." He turned to Jack. "But I'm not hitting on you so I'm safe."

"Pfft, better not, why would you even think of hitting on me?"

Joker winked at her. "Well, you know, maybe dangerous women are an acquired taste for me."

Jack scoffed, "The fuck? Dangerous women? You can't even have sex without breaking in half, you think you can handle me?"

This time Joker turned around with his chair and faced her. The look on his face was suddenly serious. "I'm not afraid of you, Jack, so cut the act." He turned back to the controls. "If I would have let my Vrolics decide what I can or can't do, I wouldn't even be sitting here. And, yes, I have had sex and it didn't break me. Don't think you know my strength, just because I can't punch through walls like you."

Jack opened her mouth but she didn't know what to say. Usually they just exchanged some snarks here and there, serious conversations were not part of their usual banter. Not knowing what to do pissed her off.

"Well, fucking congratulations," she snapped and got up. She walked out of the cockpit and got even more mad when she realized that she would have liked it if Joker had called her back. She paused for a moment to see if he did. But he didn't.

"Stupid fucking pilot," she mumbled as she went back down into her cave underneath the engineering deck.

The next night she woke up at her usual time again. Her sleep rhythm kept her away from all the noisy crewmembers and especially the quirky Cerberus cat Kelly who wanted her to talk about her fucking feelings all the time. She was about to get up to saunter to the cockpit, but hesitated.

After that last conversation with Joker she felt awkward. She didn't need some cripple to tell her his feelings. Maybe he didn't even like her spending time in the cockpit. He was always awfully defensive about the Normandy and the cockpit was practically his living room. She leaned her back against the wall, suddenly without a plan of what to do. She realized with a start that she had gotten used to the routine of going up there and sitting in the cockpit with Joker.

She began to aimlessly wander around the ship. Finally she ended up in the starboard observatory. The room was bare and had a giant window to look out into space. It was almost like in the cockpit, only without the orange glow from the flight controls. In front of the window, Samara, the asari Justicar sat cross legged, bathed in the blue glow of her powerful biotics. It looked like she was floating.

Jack hesitated. She wanted to look out the window but she didn't want to talk to the Justicar. The asari was the only biotic Jack had met who possessed more power than herself. She walked over to the window, keeping the glowing asari in the corner of her vision. Her eyes were open and glowed white. Between her hands, a storm of biotics was floating, blue arcs spreading out like lightning that licked at her fingertips in the dim light of the lounge.

Suddenly the asari let her biotics die down, closed her eyes and opened them again to look at Jack without the bright glow. "Do you wish to speak to me, child?" she asked with her soothing voice.

"I'm not your fucking child," Jack growled angrily. The calmness of the justicar made her suspicious, as if she knew something about her that she didn't say. "No, no talking, I just wanted to look out of the window."

"Very well." The justicar turned her face away and began to glow again. Jack was taken aback, she was not used to being ignored like that.

_Who does she think she is?_

Jack leaned against the window frame and put her forehead against the ice cold glass. It felt good for a short time but became unbearably cold after a while. She tried to endure it for as long as possible, only pulling away when it felt like her skull would crack. At the edge of her vision, she could still see the blue glow from the asari justicar. Somehow it made her nervous.

She sat down next to the asari and looked out front. She was getting very bored. "What are you doing here anyway?" Jack asked.

The blue glow disappeared and Samara turned to her. "So you _do_ wish to speak?" she asked with a bemused smile.

"I just want to know what the fuck you're doing here? There is nothing here. This room is even less inviting than mine." Jack was quite aware that she could make her cave under the engineering deck look as nice as she wanted to, but she didn't see the point. It wasn’t like she was inviting guests down there. And there really wasn't a point in decorating a place that you would have to leave soon anyway.

She still hadn’t really decided if she even wanted to stay. While the money was nice, she didn't have that stupid streak of helper syndrome like the queen of the boyscouts did. Why should she risk her life for a bunch of humans who wouldn't give her the time of day if she ever met them?

Next to her Samara spoke again. "I'm meditating. I am very old, child and there are many things I have seen and done that weigh heavily on my mind."

Jack stood up and crossed her arms. "I'm still not your child," she mumbled.

A faint smile crossed Samara's face. "You are all children to me. Such a short lived species and so hungry for life." The asari looked up to Jack. "I will gladly answer any questions you have. But if you do not wish to talk, I will return to my meditations."

Jack shrugged. "Whatever."

Samara's eyes began to glow white and the blue biotic storm appeared between her hands again. Jack looked at her for a while and she couldn't help but be slightly envious of the asari's calmness. She herself didn't feel calm, she felt restless, angry.

And lonely.

_What the fuck?_

* * *

Jack returned to the starboard observatory after three nights of aimlessly wandering the ship and avoiding the cockpit. Samara sat at her usual spot, glowing blue and balancing the biotic storm between her hands.

She sat down next to her and waited for Samara to notice her. The blue glow dimmed down and the asari turned to her, "Would you like to speak tonight, child?"

Jack swallowed a retort about her still not being her child and nodded. Samara kept looking at her and she realized that the Justicar expected _her_ to start the conversation.

For a minute she didn't know what to say. She couldn't make sense of it herself, why she felt so wrong. And what would a stone-old Justicar know about that? Jack jumped up again to leave the room, there was nothing this asari could help her with.

The calm voice of Samara stopped her in the door. "Why are you so restless, child?"

Jack stopped. She wanted to shout and scream but she didn't even know about what. "Why are you not? How can you be so calm on this ship full of strangers, fucking Cerberus soldiers who hate aliens and a Commander who doesn't even live herself?" she finally yelled out. Jack walked back and began pacing in front of the window.

"You are an astute observer, Jack," Samara answered calmly. "This is indeed an unusual situation for me. I have traveled this galaxy alone for hundreds of years and I had very little contact with humans." Her eyes followed Jack's movements. "I do not feel hate or distrust from the Cerberus members on the crew, so I am not worried about them. The Commander has brought more aliens on board and there have been no hateful incidents. That is why I feel safe."

"Yeah, you haven't been around humans much, I can tell," Jack muttered angrily. "Humans can act like they're your best fucking friend, then rob you and shoot you in the back when you stop being useful."

Samara looked her in the eyes. "And what happened to this best friend?"

"Oh, I killed the fucker. Thought I was an easy victim. Fucking asshole, he found out what a bad idea that was." Jack only now realized that Samara had noticed the story was not hypothetical. She stared at her, but she saw no judgement in the asari's eyes.

"And you think the Commander is not really living?" Samara asked.

"Her and the turian, man, I don't know what their fucking problem is but she walks around like a zombie, it gets worse everyday." Jack shook her head. "I see her go into the battery every single day and she always comes out looking worse than before, like she’s lost all hope."

Samara had a little smile on her face. "You are indeed an astute observer. I can see a bond between them that is strained to breaking point. If it snaps, I'm not sure the Commander will want to survive this mission."

"You can see that?" Jack asked with disbelief. "Again, why the fuck are you so calm? Your survival and mine kind of depends on her!"

"The Commander will not endanger us, only herself. She will do her best to have us survive but without that bond, her own survival is unsure."

"Man, now I have to worry about that too? What a fucking joke," Jack said quietly, more to herself than to Samara.

"You are not used to working with other people?" Samara asked.

"Oh, fuck no! This is like the stupidest shit ever, all these people and we are all in this together, lalala, like a big fucking family... Fuck! Makes me want to puke!" Jack slammed her hand against the window frame, causing the mass effect field to waver into visibility.

"Then why did you agree to come along?" the Justicar asked in her perfectly calm voice.

Jack took a deep breath. Why did she? She had no answer, she wasn't even sure herself. "I don't fucking know," she snarled and stomped out of the room.

She made her way down to her cave and spend the rest of the day brooding about questions. At one point Donelly showed up and wanted to talk to her. He only left when she biotically threw one of the storage containers towards him.

_It's like he doesn't get the hint at all._

Why was she here? Why the fuck did she even stay?

* * *

She was brooding for the rest of the day. Wondering about her place on this ship, her purpose. She shook her head at herself, she had never needed a purpose besides surviving. She’d always just lived from day to day, taken the bad jobs that nobody wanted, fought and killed and left everyone she had ever met behind. She never needed friends, never needed support. She was strong, she stood alone.

But on this stupid ship people tried to be her friend. She had never asked for that, she didn't need that. Friends were just people who needed you now, so they just waited until later to stab you in the back. She really didn't need that.

She lifted one of her knives with a little biotic force and flipped it around her hand. With a flick of her wrist and a slash of blue biotic lighting she threw the knife across the room. It crashed against the metallic plating of the ship and the blade shattered. Jack huffed in frustration, she should put a foam board or something like that there, so she could at least practice throwing her knifes.

A slight snicker made her snap her head around. There, on the last step of the stairs leading down into her cave stood Joker. How he had managed to sneak up on her was completely beyond her. She should have heard his shuffle from a mile away.

"What the fuck are you doing here, Joker?" she asked angrily.

The pilot just grinned. "Apparently I'm watching you trying to stick knifes into the bulkhead of my baby. You really shouldn't do that."

The voice of the AI sounded out from the ceiling. "I have observed Subject Zero's actions and determined them as not dangerous to my bulkhead. I would have stopped her, if necessary."

"Yes, EDI, I'm sure you would," Joker said and rolled his eyes. He caught himself when he noticed the anger on Jack's face.

"I'm not fucking Subject Zero, I have a name! You stupid fucking tin can, my name is Jack!"

The AI's voice answered calmly. "I apologize. I did not intend to insult you, Jack. I have exchanged your name in my files now."

Jack slammed her fist against one of the support beams next to her cot and let out an angry grunt. She noticed Joker stepping up to her and she turned around abruptly. To her satisfaction he took a step back and raised his hands, a hint of fear on his face.

"Calm down, Jack," he said.

"Why the fuck should I calm down?" she yelled. "Everybody is always so fucking calm..."

"Hey, sure, be as angry as you want, I just want to make it out of here alive," Joker said, taking another step back towards the stairs.

"Why the fuck are you even down here?" Jack asked, now a bit calmer.

"Well, you haven't visited me in a while and I thought I’d see where you spend all your time." He let his gaze travel along the bare walls, the simple cot and the small table, both with some datapads thrown on it. "Nice place you have here." There was a hint of sarcasm.

"My decorator is on vacation," Jack snapped at him.

Joker grinned. "Hey, I could help you. You could put some drapes up here, with a bright pattern or maybe with a red dragon on it. That would look awesome."

Jack was speechless, did the guy really give her tips on decorating now? Although she had to admit, a red dragon would look kind of awesome.

"Just fuck off, Joker," she said and leaned back against the wall behind her cot. Joker nodded at her and began to slowly shuffle back up the stairs. Before he disappeared from her view he called back to her. "See you later, Jack."

"Whatever," she mumbled and only realized after she had heard the door close behind him that she had never agreed to meet him later. She had no reason to go to the cockpit at all. She shook her head, the stupid fucking pilot really thought they were friends.

Nevertheless, at the usual time in the middle of the night shift, she found her way up to the cockpit. She had nothing better to do anyway and she still liked the view. As she came closer, she heard unfamiliar voices speaking. She carefully approached the cockpit, making as little noise as possible. She had no interest in meeting a bunch of new people.

But the cockpit was empty, save for Joker in his chair. The voices apparently came from a recording and it sounded like a vid-show without pictures. Jack listened confused, the language sounded kind of dated and the story was full of made-up words like Aras and Mal-Se. Jack stepped over to the co-pilot's chair and sat herself down.

Joker noticed the movement from the corner of his eyes and yelled out involuntarily. "Whoa! Holy crapshit! Don't sneak up on me like that."

Jack grinned. "Not my fault when you have all this noise on in here."

Joker tabbed a button and the recording stopped mid-sentence. "You want to listen to it from the beginning?"

Jack opened her mouth for some snarky remark and shut it again. Did she? What was it with people asking her questions all the time? "What kind of shit is this anyway?" she blurted out.

"That 'shit' is an audio-drama, it's like a movie without pictures. I like to listen to these, if nothing stressing is going on. I can still work cause I don't have to watch and have a story told to me." He tabbed the interface on his omni-tool. "Let's start at the beginning, so you know what's going on. This is a very old show from Earth, it's a series that started more than 200 years ago, called Perry Rhodan. It ran as single story booklets in Germany and there are billions of these. They rereleased them recently and some 'cycles' have been made into audio dramas." He turned to her, smiling. "It's science fiction from the past and they had all these cool ideas, there are different universes with new laws of physics, different time-lines, weird weapons. There is one story where someone has a weapon that makes everybody stupid, can you imagine?" He turned back to the interfaces in front of him. "Just listen, it's so cool."

Jack was fascinated how excited Joker looked. The last time he had acted like this, he had been doting about his leather seat. She found herself strangely endeared by his behaviour, like he was letting her in on something personal. Why did that make her feel so good? She wanted to snap at him but all she said was, "Okay." Her voice sounded strangely breathless.

_What the fuck?_

Before she could say more, a narrator with a pleasantly deep voice introduced the show and the episode. After a few minutes, Jack found herself enthralled by the story, something about brain patterns and mutants and loads of other weird things. Somehow it became even greater by looking outside into the darkness of space, her eyes searching for the lights of distant stars. Everything seemed possible looking out there, even worlds full of telepathic mutants.

Only when the story ended and the silence spread out in the cockpit, did Jack become aware that she had been sitting next to Joker for an hour. One hour in comfortable silence, without any jabs or snarky remarks at each other. That had to be a new record.

Joker had a faint smile on his lips as he tapped the interfaces in front of him. His stupid cap had moved up and revealed his pale eyes. It was hard to tell what color they were, in the darkness of the cockpit and the orange glow of the interfaces. They actually looked like gold.

Jack turned her eyes back to the vast darkness of space in front of her. What eyecolor the pilot had was really not of her concern. She didn't need to know that.

"Same time tomorrow for the next episode?" Joker's voice gave her a start, and why the fuck did that happen now? She wanted to roll her eyes at herself, all this cuddly friendshippy shit had made her inattentive and complacent.

"Why should I care?" she snapped and pushed herself out of the chair. Walking out, she wanted to relish in the familiar feeling of being on her own and not needing anybody for her own happiness.

It didn't quite work.

_Fuck!_

* * *

The next day, Jack hesitated as she came up to the cockpit. She didn't want Joker to think that he had become her friend or some such shit. But she really wanted to know how the story continued.

Finally she stomped into the room and let herself fall sideways on the chair on the right hand side of the ship. Joker turned his head and gave her a bright smile. "Good morning to you, Jack."

"Yeah, good fucking morning," she grumbled and let her head fall to the side against the backrest. She didn't look at him and his stupid happy face.

She only turned towards him when she heard him move out of his chair. He shuffled towards the door and called back over his shoulder, "I'll be right back, sweety, I'm just going to get some coffee." He was out before she could snap at him for calling her 'sweety'.

When he came back, he carried two steaming cups and handed her one. She looked at him angrily, "I don't drink coffee..."

"I know," Jeff interrupted. "Honestly, I don't know how you can possibly live that way, but maybe it is a good idea to not subject someone like you to coffee-jitters." He placed his cup into a holder and slid into his chair. "That's not coffee, that's cocoa. I always drank that as a child and I thought... you probably never had cocoa as a child."

He didn't look at her, he took his cup and blew over it, making the steam waft away from his face. There was a strange feeling in her throat that she couldn't put a name to. Turning her eyes back to the window she took a careful sip of the cocoa. It was warm and sweet and felt soft on her tongue. She had never had anything like it before.

"This is good," she mumbled. "I like it."

"Good." Joker nodded. "Thought you might." With a tap on his omni-tool he started the next episode of the audio-drama. Jack was glad that she didn't have to talk, she wouldn't have known what to say anyway.

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case you have never heard of Perry Rhodan, it is only "the most successful science fiction book series ever written." (wikipedia -> Perry_Rhodan) :-)
> 
> Thanks to Spyke1985 for editing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this would be just a oneshot but I guess not.

 

* * *

 

For the next few weeks, she went up to the cockpit every morning after waking up and listened to the audio drama with Joker. One morning, she took a coffee for him and a cocoa for herself up to the cockpit and found herself feeling strangely happy from Jeff's smile.

It became part of their routine, she handed him his coffee, he smiled at her and said, "Good morning Jack, thanks for the coffee," and she would nod at him and settle down in her chair with her cocoa, wondering why she couldn't just say "You're welcome." Instead she mumbled a "Morning" at him and took a sip from her cocoa.

Shepard made them hop all over the galaxy, picking up new crewmembers like strays. She was talking to everybody and trying to settle their issues, or she was doing the odd job for either Cerberus or the Alliance. Jack didn't really understand why Shepard was doing all of this, she didn't owe the Alliance anything, she hated Cerberus just as much as Jack did and the crew had already signed up for this mission. Why she bothered with everybody's personal bullshit she just couldn't understand.

Shepard also regularly came down in her cave and talked to her. What was it with this ship and everybody trying to be her friend all the time? But slowly, Jack found herself opening up under Shepard's insistence and it actually felt kind of nice to talk to someone about the fucked up shit that had been her life so far.

There was even a mission for Jack among all the crap that Shepard did. She had mentioned once to Shepard that she wanted to blow up the place where they had tortured her and made her who she was today. She had not expected anything to come of it, but Shepard promised to take her to Pragia and she actually kept her promise.

One day she ordered Jack to suit up and meet her in the shuttle bay. Jack had done a few missions with Shepard before and she was not surprised to see Garrus accompanying them. While they still had this weird strain between them where they couldn't really look at each other without looking like they were in pain, and Jack wasn't really sure how she of all people could see that, Shepard always took Garrus with her, every time.

They worked well together. With Garrus and Shepard you could see a deep understanding between them that translated to a coordinated dance on the battlefield that needed no words. Jack also fit well into that, covering the frontal assault while Garrus was sniping and Shepard was flanking.

Pragia was disturbing. It unsettled her more than she wanted to admit. She saw the places from her childhood, the room with the big window, where she’d called out to the other children, but they had ignored her. Her table, that had been her fortress, her cave, her protection. The fighting arena, the laboratories.

But now she saw it from the other side, saw that the window was a mirror and nobody could have seen her. She saw the table as the little wooden piece of scrap it was. And she saw the pictures and reports of all the other children they had made to suffer to test their experiments. They didn't want to risk their precious Subject Zero, so they tested their procedures on other children first. They all died.

She remembered that she had killed some of them herself in the arena, where they had given her drugs to make her fight and drugs that made her feel euphoric for every death. She had relished every kill, the drug rushing through her body, making her feel untouchable. Now she saw who she had killed, children that Cerberus had kidnapped or bought, scared children, drugged like her. They had no chance against her, the trained killer.

Jack felt vomit rise in her and she wanted to punch down these feelings, this weakness. Shepard talked to her, just a few words here and there, questions about the things that had been done to her. Her face had grown harder by the minute and Jack heard Garrus growl some curses over the comm. Jack didn't know why, but it made her feel better that other people were just as disturbed as her. It meant that she was still human. They had not killed that completely.

There was even a survivor on Pragia, one person that did not die during her escape and didn't leave when the Alliance came to pick up the survivors. He had been one of the kids. When they met him, Jack was so angry that she wanted to kill him, wanted to make him responsible for everything that had happened here. But he wasn't, he had been a victim like herself. Shepard reminded her of that, speaking quietly and calmly to her.

Jack told him to get away because she would blow this place sky high. He screamed and started babbling, the time alone in this horrid place had made him insane. Jack walked away, set up the charges and left with Shepard and Garrus. If he wanted to die in a big fucking explosion, then that was his decision. At least he had had a choice.

As the shuttle rose into the clouds, Jack kept her eyes on the overgrown complex on the ground, flipping the detonator open and closed. With a look from Shepard who gave her a tiny nod, she pressed the red button and watched the explosion and the mushroom cloud of smoke rise to the sky.

It felt like a leash had been cut from her. But it also felt a little like she was freefalling now.

Anger at Cerberus was boiling up in her and she knew exactly who she could direct that fury towards. As soon as Shepard had disappeared into the elevator and Garrus had returned to the battery, she walked into Miranda's office to lay into her. The fucking Cerberus cheerleader had the nerve to claim that Pragia had been a rogue cell, that nobody had known about it.

"What a load of fucking bullshit!" she screamed at Miranda. "Don't tell me that nobody knew about that when they were using TIMmys money and they transported children to that place. Don't fucking hide behind the nice stories that the Illusive asshole wants you to believe. You..." Jack couldn't speak anymore, her biotics flaring up and with an angry yell she threw a Shockwave at the Cerberus Operative. Miranda threw up a barrier and countered with a Warp. Jack deflected that and the biotic effect crashed into the bulkhead.

Not a minute later, Shepard stormed in, obviously alerted by EDI. She separated them, calmed them down. By some fucking magic she made them both feel bad and she even made the cheerleader agree to really look into the Subject Zero files. Jack was about to scream another curse at her when she felt a hand on her arm, pulling her backwards. She snapped around and saw none other than Joker, squeezing her arm and looking at her with an expression she had never seen on his face. Was that pity?

She didn't need anyone's pity.

She hissed at him, "What are you doing, cripple?" She ripped her arm out of his grasp and saw him wince in pain. "You _want_ to get your arm broken?"

Joker drew a sharp breath through his teeth. "No I don't. Shepard's got this, you can trust her. I just wanted you to come with me."

Jack clenched her teeth together to keep her biotics from unleashing in a giant shockwave. "I don't care what you want, what Shepard wants, I don't care!" she yelled.

Joker raised his arms and yelled back at her. "Fine, we all heard you! Now stop being a pain in the ass and get out of here. You've been dealt some shitty cards, we all know that, but Miranda here had nothing to do with it. And neither has the Normandy." The look he gave her froze her, so hard and so caring at the same time. She didn't know how to deal with it.

He turned around and walked out of Miranda's office. Nobody spoke. Shepard looked at Jack, one eyebrow raised slightly while Miranda avoided looking at her by studying her own hands. She didn't understand why, but she began walking and followed Joker. His slightly lopsided gait had brought him up to the cockpit already and Jack caught up with him just before he could sit back down again.

Jack raised her hands to grab him roughly by his shoulders, but stopped herself when she saw him flinch. Now her hands had nowhere to go. As her arms fell down to her sides, she felt her anger simmer down. Joker was looking at her questioningly. She took a breath. "What the fuck do you know about me and the cards I've been dealt? You know nothing, you..."

"I've watched the feed. Garrus's visor is recording every mission and Shepard has a camera on her armor too," Joker said quietly. He put his hands on her shoulders in a softer version of what she had wanted to do. "Those people were monsters, torturers. They did everything they could to turn you into a weapon." He looked her in the eyes. "But they didn't succeed. Despite all this fuckshit, you managed to turn into an amazing person." His face was suddenly right next to hers and for a second she felt his lips on her cheek. Then he released her and turned back to his chair. "Don't let them pull you down again," he mumbled, almost inaudibly.

He sat back down and his fingers flew over the ships interface like they always did. Jack stood still where he left her, utterly confused. She knew kisses, a kiss was like a passcode to get sex, sort of like an opening negotiation, usually with a fight for dominance. But Joker had not kissed her like that.

What did he want?

It occurred to her that maybe, _just maybe_ , he didn't want anything from her. Jack didn't know how to deal with that.

Without looking at her, Joker spoke to her, "Why don't you sit down? We can listen to another episode of Perry Rhodan or, if you want, you can tell me about Pragia."

"Oh fuck no, I'm not talking about that place or my fucking feelings." She let herself fall into the chair, her feet dangling over the armrest. Joker chuckled and started the recording. As the voice of the narrator announced the name of the episode, another voice started talking and it took Jack a second to realize that it was her own.

Joker's head snapped around and with a flick of his finger he stopped the recording. Jack heard herself speak and it felt like it was another person doing the talking, as if she was only watching herself doing it.

"They gave us drugs, all of us. The drugs made us angry, aggressive. Then they made us fight. The drugs made me feel good, every hit felt so good, the harder I was beating down the enemy - the other kid - the better I felt, like I was fucking invincible. The drugs were driving us on, all of us. We were laughing while we fought, while we killed each other. It felt so good, so powerful... I remember how they smiled, how they laughed until the very last moment before they died. If... when the enemy... the other kid died, in that last moment I could see it in their eyes when they realized that the drug would not save them. When I ripped them apart with my biotics... I can still see them, how they looked at me." Her eyes were looking out into space but she could not see the stars. "It felt so good." It was wrong, she knew. "It felt so fucking good."

She turned to Joker and pushed herself out of the chair. His eyes were hidden under his cap and she was glad about that, she did not want to see his disgust or his pity, whichever it was. "So you were wrong, I am a weapon." She wanted to walk out of the cockpit, but Joker caught her hand in his with a surprisingly strong grip.

He held her hand and looked up to her. "No you're not, Jack. You were a child under the influence of powerful drugs. You were just a child." He kept holding her hand, his thumb rubbing small circles on her hand. Her vision blurred and she realized to her own astonishment that she was crying. She could not remember the last time she had cried. She did not sob, she just stood there next to the pilot's chair, her hand in his, the tears flowing down her face.

After a long while the tears stopped and with a deep, slightly shaky breath, Jack felt like she was finally in control again. Shepard's voice came over the comm, ordering Joker to program a course to the Citadel. Joker loosened his grip on her hand and smiled apologetically up to her. "Ehm, kind of need my hand now."

She nodded, not trusting her voice yet. She settled back down into her chair and watched Joker fly the ship. They didn't talk and they didn't listen to another audio-drama. This night it was only about the silence and the hum of the Normandy on her way through the stars.

* * *

 

There was a bad vibe in the air. As soon as they had docked at the Citadel, Shepard had left with Garrus and Tali in tow, looking like she was about to face the devil and shoot him in the face. Garrus also seemed more agitated than usual and Tali was practically twitching.

Jack was in the cockpit with Joker, it was long past her usual time, but recently she’d been visiting Joker more often. They talked, exchanged jokes and sometimes she ate lunch with him. She had to admit that they had become friends. And she really liked that.

As they heard the outer airlock door close, she turned to Joker. "What the fuck is going on? Everybody is acting like a ghost is dancing on their head."

Joker had shut down most systems and left the rest to EDI so it was not really necessary for him to sit in the pilot chair. But it was the best chair on the ship and it was perfectly adjusted to him. He turned it around so he was facing Jack and stretched his legs. "I'm not sure. I know that Shepard wants to meet Anderson and he is like a dad to her, so to justify her Cerberus involvement to Mr. Alliance... she's probably a bit nervous about that. As for Garrus... I don't know. That guy hasn't been right ever since we picked him up on Omega and that thing between him and Shepard needs some serious fixing soon."

"Samara said that too," Jack pondered.

"Did she? What did she say?"

"Something nebulous about a strained bond she see's and how Shepard might not survive this mission if it isn't fixed."

Joker raised his eyebrows, "Sounds like fixing that shit could be important for us as well. You know, survival rate and shit."

Jack nodded, "Yeah, I’d thought so too, but Samara thinks that Shepard would make sure everybody else survives, but wouldn’t care about her own survival."

Joker scratched the little stubble he’d let stand on his cheeks. Jack liked that stubble, it looked good on him. Not for the first time she wondered how that stubble would feel if they kissed. After that small peck on her cheek and holding her hand, they had never even touched each other again or talked about it. Jack had no idea what to make of that. And why would she want to kiss a guy she couldn't even have sex with?

Joker's voice shook her from her thoughts.

"You know, that totally sounds like Shep. She always puts her crew first, she makes everybody her friend and if anything happens to them she blames herself for it. I bet her psych profile is completely fucked."

"How do you fuck?" Jack blurted out.

Joker choked on his own breath. "Wait what? Is that a word association game?"

Jack felt her face heat up and in an all too familiar reaction she wanted to get up and leave. But she was past this now, past the flight mechanism. "I just wanted to know. How do you have sex? You said you had sex before, but you can break your bones by walking down stairs. How the fuck does that work?"

It was a rare sight, to see Jeff Joker Moreau speechless. Someone should have taken a picture.

He straightened in his seat, his hands stroking out imaginary creases on his pants. Then he looked at her and under the playful smile was a seriousness she had rarely seen.

"First of all, let's see what your definition of sex actually is." He grinned at her. "I bet, sex for you means slamming each other into walls, fighting for dominance, one forcing the other down, fucking him or her into submission."

Jack spooled through her past experiences. "Yeah, pretty much."

"Nothing wrong with that, but I don't think that's what sex is about," Joker said, his voice taking on a thoughtful tone. "Sex is about caring for each other, about giving each other pleasure."

"Hey, I think sex is pretty fucking pleasurable!" Jack said with a grin.

"Sure, but it's not very loving, is it?" Jeff said quietly.

The grin fell from her face. "I... don't know," she whispered. She really didn't.

"That's what I mean. When I think of sex, I think of two people who care for each other, who want to see the other one writhing in pleasure. It's not just about your own pleasure, it's about two people in pleasure together," Joker said, his eyes never leaving hers.

Jack snorted. "So for you it's always about the great big love?"

Joker laughed, "No, that's not what I mean. Two people don't have to be in eternal love and endless happiness to care for each other and to not want to dominate and hurt the other person."

His eyes held hers and the care she saw in them made her feel something new, something she just couldn't place. She wanted to look away, but for some strange reason, she couldn't. She opened her mouth to say something, but she didn't know what.

Joker leaned forward in his chair and placed his hands under his chin. "Anybody ever tell you that you have gorgeous lips, Jack?"

Jack did not know what to say. She’d been told about her lips being pretty before, but it had sounded different. It had always sounded like her lips were an invitation for everyone, like it was her fault for being so pretty that everybody wanted to fuck her. She had shaved her head one day to be less pretty, but she could never change her lips.

Joker smiled at her and turned back to the muted interface in front of him. He looked over some news feeds. "So far, no dramatic C-Sec reports, so whatever Garrus and Shep are doing, it hasn't raised any suspicions yet. I wonder what they are up to."

Jack stayed silent, she had not followed the subject change. She still wondered why it had sounded so different, when Joker had said that her lips were gorgeous.

Joker closed the interface and turned to her. "Want to go shopping?"

"What?" Jack's head snapped up.

"Well, I need a shirt that isn't yellow, black and white and you... I mean, not that I want you to cover up your beautiful tattoos, but maybe you would like to look at stuff as well.. not that you have to..." Joker actually looked flustered and Jack had to laugh about it.

"Fine, I'll come with you," she said and pushed herself out of the seat. She waited at the airlock as Joker slowly walked towards her with his lopsided shuffle.

Jack didn’t mind that they had to go slower, she had been on the Citadel once before, but she’d never really had time to look around. Now she took the time, looking at the high rising buildings, the stores and their wares, while at the same time watching the people around them, looking for threats. It was a habit, long practised and hard to shake.

"I should always take you with me from now on, I never felt safer on the Citadel," Joker said with a grin.

"What the fuck do you mean?" she asked, slipping into the familiar defensiveness. _Why do I keep doing that?_

Joker seemed unfazed by her behaviour. "Well, I always have to be careful, people tend to run into me and could seriously hurt me that way. But with you by my side, people step out of the way. I like that." He smiled at her and she saw no hint of falseness in there.

How strange that was.

* * *

 

They arrived back on the Normandy, Jack carrying their bags, Joker leaning heavily on an old fashioned cane. They had bought the cane - shiny black wood with a white marble pommel on top - at an antique store. Jack had noticed that Joker had trouble walking and they both pretended that Joker bought the cane just as a joke. She pretended not to notice how hard he leaned on the cane, but he made no protest as she took all the bags to carry.

She had actually found a few shirts she liked, a black one with a white human skull on it and a top in a dark red that looked really good on her. She’d also bought a leather jacket and a pair of new pants. At one point she realized that she had never before bought so many things just for herself. She remembered having stolen many things, taken things that she thought she needed. But these clothes she had bought herself, just for herself.

Joker had also found a few shirts for himself, a dark green one and two blue ones. He’d tried them on in one of the changing rooms and Jack had caught a glimpse of his naked torso at one point. His upper body looked surprisingly fit, well toned muscles and an impressive six pack. By compensating for his weak legs, he had trained his upper muscles well. Jack had caught herself staring at him with her mouth open.

He caught her looking at him and winked at her. For a second she felt embarrassed, but then they both started laughing. They had laughed a lot on their little shopping trip.

Joker turned to the cockpit and addressed EDI's platform. "Anything to report, EDI?"

The blue orb popped up. "Commander Shepard and Officer Vakarian had returned with Tali'Zorah vas Neema. Commander Shepard has left again and Officer Vakarian left shortly after. One moment please." There was a short pause, before the AI continued. "Officer Vakarian is looking for her now, I am assisting him in his search by scanning the news channels. Before she left, Commander Shepard informed me that the Normandy will leave port in 3 hours. I have informed all crewmembers of the return time."

Joker looked at Jack, worry in his eyes. Jack shrugged, "If Vakarian is looking for her, they may finally work out whatever it is that's bothering them."

"I hope you're right. The tension between those two is killing me. I expect Garrus to pull the stick out of his ass any minute now and beat us all to death with it," Joker grumbled.

Jack laughed. Laughing was easy with Joker.

She suddenly realized that they stood quite close to each other. She took another step towards him, letting the shopping bags drop from her hands, and pressed her lips against his. She realized by the panicked look in his eyes that he had not expected that and he made a stumbling step backwards. His cap fell from his head. This was wrong, this didn't work at all. She stepped back, angry at herself for making such a stupid move. Why the fuck had she done that?

"Stop, Jack, don't," he called out to her.

"Don't what?" she asked angrily.

"Don't run away."

"I'm not," she growled.

Joker stepped up to her, his hand slowly moving to her face. "You were just so forward, I was kind of scared you would break all my bones, I'm sorry."

"You're sorry? What the fuck?" she yelled.

"Hey, hey, stop, no need for explosions," Joker calmly said and his hand was on her cheek, his thumb drawing a line under her eye. "Let's try this again," and he tilted his head to the side.

His lips touched hers very softly, lightly sucking on her upper lip. She felt her lips open and wanted to press forward like she had always done but she stopped herself and let Joker lead. This was a first for her, to be kissed, to just let it happen. His tongue licked along her lips and gently asked for entry. She touched her own tongue against his and felt him shudder... or was it herself?

His arms went around her and she pressed herself against his chest, her hands stroking over his back. She stopped herself again, not falling into the familiar pattern of throwing someone down or being thrown. She let the kiss happen, not using her strength against him and something inside her felt like it was freeing itself from an age-old cage.

This was just a kiss and it felt like flying.

They had to break apart for air, both of them breathing hard. He rested his forehead against hers, a tiny chuckle leaving his throat. "I knew your lips were gorgeous. But I had no idea how amazing kissing them would be."

Jack swallowed hard. This was a new situation for her, just kissing, without trying to slam someone against the wall. What did he expect of her now?

"Do you want to have sex?" she asked bluntly.

Joker snickered, and kissed her forehead. "Why hello, Miss Romantic, how nice of you to ask."

"Well do you?" she asked, slightly annoyed. "I don't get you, you are nice to me, you kiss me but you never... I don't get this!" She tried to glare at him angrily but it was kind of hard to do, because he had just the nicest smile on his face.

Joker chuckled. "Jesus, woman, do you have any idea how hot you are? Walking around here, half-naked all the time, I was practically hard for you every second of the day."

"But.. you never..." Jack didn't know what annoyed her so much.

He stopped the anger that wanted to build up inside of her with his soft voice. "Jack, I can't just have sex with you. You would break me, maybe even kill me. If we want to have sex, then we have to talk about it, about limits. You would have to agree to be careful, you would have to control yourself and let me lead." His hand was on her cheek again. "It is not my place to force you to be someone you don't want to be. And I like hanging out with you, I don't want to lose that."

Jack was stunned. She had no experience with friendship like that. And she also had no experience with anybody asking her whether she wanted to have sex or not.

Behind them they heard the airlock doors close and the decontamination cycle start. The sound made them step away from each other and Jack wanted to slap herself for the feeling of longing the little distance caused in her.

The doors opened and revealed Garrus and Shepard stepping in. They were looking at each other, softly, caring. As they passed Joker and Jack, Shepard nodded over to them, then turned her gaze back to Garrus. They walked to the elevator and Jack saw her taking Garrus's hand. Next to her, Joker let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank all deities, it looks like they worked things out between them," he said.

Jack nodded, her thoughts returning to Joker and what he had said. She made a decision.

"When do you usually turn in for the night?" she asked.

Joker gave her questioning grin. "Usually I try to get about six or seven hours of sleep at night, so I go to sleep between 20:00 and 21:00, to be back in my seat at four."

"Come down into my place before that and I’ll let you show me what kind of sex you had in mind," she said, moving closer to him.

He almost fell forward, putting his hands on her shoulders and pressing his face into her neck. "Are you sure?" he whispered and his breath over her skin felt wonderful.

"Yes." Her voice was hoarse. "I will let you do what you want and not throw you, push you or crush you. I promise."

He still had his mouth on her neck and she felt him kiss her there. A shudder went through her and she felt desire rise in her like tidal wave. His kisses moved up to her ear, flicking her earlobe with his tongue. She swallowed a moan, it was kind of embarrassing how easily he aroused her with such simple things.

He whispered into her ear, "Everybody is gone, they are all on the Citadel for another hour at least. Maybe we shouldn't wait?"

Jack grinned and picked up his cap from the floor and put it on her head. "I'll be waiting for you, whenever you are ready." She waved at him and ran towards the elevator to go down to her deck.

It felt so strange to be excited like that. It felt dangerous.

_ What the fuck is happening to me? Why did I let him get so fucking close? _

 

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, I won't turn Jack into some mushy flower. She's just having a soft moment here.
> 
>  
> 
> Editor: Spyke1985 - All hail the queen of Mass Effect Xenophiles!


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sex! Smut! Yay!

 

* * *

 

Down in her cave Jack began pacing. Was this a good idea? Of all the man-material on board of this ship she had to go for the snarky, brittle pilot? The more she thought about it, the less she liked it. The only thing that could come out of this was some boring pussy sex.

But she had promised to try his way and to let him do what he wanted. So she could at least start with keeping her promise. For now at least. Keeping promises was not usually high on her list of things she did. In her experience, only stupid people kept promises, then were surprised if people shit on them.

She sat down on her cot and leaned against the wall, kicking her boots off. She waited.

Joker did not show up. Jack felt like the stupidest idiot in the galaxy.

The longer she waited, the angrier she got. The fucking cripple had played her! Played a game of liking her and wanting her and now he left her sitting here! His cap was still on her head and she flung it at the opposite wall. It bounced off the metal bulkhead and tumbled to the ground.

She built up a ball of biotic-warp in her hands to rip the thing apart, when she heard the door on the upper deck open. She stilled and let the ball of biotic energy die down as she heard the familiar shuffle of Joker coming down the stairs.

Jack jumped up and snagged the cap from the ground and put it back on her head. She was about to let herself fall back on her cot, but it would look stupid now. Joker was already two-thirds down the stairs. She walked towards him and noticed that his hair was wet. As she got closer, she realized he also smelled really nice.

So that's why it had taken him so long, he had taken a shower.

_ And I thought... who cares what I thought. _

He was on the last step now, standing a head taller than her. He wore his new, green shirt and he had some kind of silky red band in his hand. Jack crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked at him challengingly. She may have had agreed to this, but he’d better not be thinking of tying her up.

He looked at her nervously. "Hey. Sorry you had to wait, I had to take a shower."

Jack suddenly felt guilty for not cleaning up a little. "Maybe I should have showered too..." She mumbled. Joker leaned forward, taking the cap off her head and took a sniff at her throat. It tickled and Jack had to giggle.

"Nah, you're fine," Joker said, "You smell nice."

He stepped down the last step, his face still just a breath away from her throat. Jack waited, she wasn't sure what to do. If he had been just any guy, she would have grabbed him by now and worked him until he was begging her to let him fuck her. Tentatively she placed her lips on his, waiting for his reaction.

His reaction was fiercer than she had expected, his arms wrapped around her and he pressed forward with urgency. The cap fell from his hands. His tongue pressed between her lips and started to explore her mouth. She rubbed her tongue along his and they both moaned at the sensation.

Joker suddenly pulled away, "Shit, Jack, kissing you is... I feel like I've already hit the jackpot and we haven't even started."

Jack was yet  _again_ rendered speechless. How did this guy manage to catch her off guard all the time? She crossed her arms again and put a menacing grin on her face. "Now, flyboy, what do you think you'll be doing with that pretty red thing there?"

Joker looked down to his hand and let the band slowly run over his fingers. Then he looked up with a twinkle in his eyes. "Why don't we go over to your cot and I’ll explain?"

She sauntered over to her bed and sat down. "Don't even think about tying me up with that."

Joker shuffled after her and sat down beside her. He took the silky band and placed it in her hands. "No, sweety, I know that this thing couldn’t hold you anyway. I want you to hold it in your hands, keep it stretched. You have to hold it, don't rip it." He gently pushed her backwards so that she was leaning against the wall on the right side of her cot, her legs dangling over the side of her cot.

"Why?" She asked, trying the band for strength. It was quite strong actually, but she would definitely not be able to pull at it with all her strength.

"I thought, that way, you would concentrate on controlling your power. No crushing of bones and all that," he said with a sheepish smile. "Not that I don't trust you, or the promise you gave, but just in case... in the heat of passion... you might forget..."

"Oh, aren't you fucking full of yourself?" Jack laughed. She wasn't offended, she was rather intrigued. Joker seemed to be really sure of his sexual abilities. And he had said that he trusted her promise... he trusted her.

She shook her head to get off that weird path of thinking and concentrated on the man who was now lowering himself to his knees in front of her. The smile had disappeared from his face and with a determined look he moved forward and kissed her. His lips slid softly against hers, his tongue stroked along her teeth, asking for entry. She opened her mouth and let her own tongue crawl forward.

Their tips touched carefully, poking, testing the feeling. Jack felt herself shiver, this was so different, so soft. His hand had moved up to her neck, his fingers stroking the tense muscles there and she slowly felt herself relax into his touch. Moving back, he slightly pulled on her lower lip with his own lips, before letting it go. A breath tumbled out of her mouth, a gasp, entirely out of her control.

That sheepish smile was back and before she could comment, his face moved back to her and he was kissing her cheeks. Small kisses moved up to the tattoo on her head, placing a kiss on it, then moving to the other side. A kiss on the other side for the tattoo, then he moved to nibbling her left ear, where she had no decorations or jewellery. He kissed along the shell of her ear, then took her earlobe in his mouth, gently sucking on it.

Jack let a moan escape. Her ears and the area around it had always been a very sensitive, erotic zone for her, but so few people ever bothered to touch her there. Joker seemed to take his cue from her reactions, kissing the sensitive skin around her ear. As he moved down her neck, she began to shiver, want and need building up inside of her.

She was already soaking wet, biotic pulses prickling along her skin and he hadn’t even moved down from her neck yet. She was sitting on her cot, with her pants still on, holding the red band taut between her hands in her lap and Joker kneeling in front of her. His hands were resting on her upper arms, probably as much for his support as for hers.

His lips went back to hers, kissing, suckling and just as she wondered how he would continue, his left hand moved to the strap that ran from her neck to her right breast. He fumbled a bit, but managed to release it. Jack let go of the red band, to release the latch on her back and let the harness fell down. But Joker didn't touch her, just looked at her.

She grunted, "What?". He looked down at the red band, raising his eyebrows. "Alright." With a sigh she took the band back in her hands, holding it tight. A big smile spread across his face and his left hand began to caress the skin on her chest. She wondered why he didn't go straight for her boobs.

As she looked down, she realized that he was tracing her tattoos. With the tip of his finger, he followed the patterns. Suddenly he stopped and pressed his lips against a part of her skin. She saw that he was kissing her scars, the long cuts that looked like autopsy incisions. She had arranged the patterns of her tattoos to make them look like decorative marks, but the way Joker was looking at them and kissing them, he knew what they really were.

For a second, she wanted to push him away, get him away from this part of her; the scars that reminded her every day who she was, how she became who she was today. She didn't hide her scars, because they were part of her. They had made her, they cut her open and constructed her. No one was allowed to look away from that.

But Joker, somehow he looked at them differently. He wasn't disgusted, his eyes spoke of care, compassion and he was kissing her scars as if he could fix them that way. It felt almost too intimate.

There was a hand on her cheek, turning her face forward. She hadn't noticed how much she had tensed up, or that she had turned her face to the side. Joker was looking at her with concern. "Hey sweety, are you okay? You want me to leave the scars alone?"

Hot fucking damnit, how had he noticed?

"No, it's fine," she mumbled. _Never admit to weakness, people will use it against you._

"Okay." He still looked worried, but he moved his hand down her throat onto her chest, following it with kisses. Jack forced herself to relax against the wall behind her and held the red band taut between her hands. Joker kissed down her chest and reached her nipple. She had expected him to go there and smiled when he finally gave her right nipple a soft lick.

She arched her back to give him better access and sighed happily when he circled her nipple with his tongue, placing soft kisses on it in between. She was relaxing into his caresses, enjoying his soft touches. He took his time, his tongue softly mapping the area around her nipple. Jack closed her eyes, leaning her head back against the wall.

It felt like the world was slowing down, sounds were muffled and only his soft touches were still part of her reality. She let herself drift away, breathing out in a sigh.

And then he took her nipple between his lips and sucked on it, hard.

It felt like an electric current going straight to her core and she moaned loudly. Her back arched and she pulled on the red band, almost ripping it apart. He moved to her left nipple, giving it a soft twirl with his tongue and then sucked on it too.

Jack helplessly gave into the sensations. She was shaking, moaning, arching into his mouth, her pants were soaking wet, her labia aching for his touch. "Fuck!" She yelled out and she felt and heard Joker snicker at that.

"Not yet, my sweet, crazy woman," he whispered as he kissed down between her breasts towards her belly button. His hands had left her arm and chest and were working on her pants. She lifted her ass to help him take them off. With strong touches along her thighs, he spread her legs apart and simply looked at her wet and naked vagina.

Jack raised her head, to see his face. "What?" she asked, wondering if he was somehow offended or something like that. Why didn't he touch her and finally fuck her?

"Relax, sweety, just admiring the view." He sat back on his haunches, then leaned forward and blew onto her wet folds. Jack sucked in air through her teeth when the cold feeling hit her and she gasped when suddenly his hot tongue licked her from back to front. Her fingers grabbed the band harder, twisting it around her hands so that it hurt a little.

Jokers hands were on her waist, lightly squeezing. The stubble on his cheeks tickled on her thighs. He let his tongue dance around her clitoris, almost but not quite touching her. He dipped in and out between her labia lips, stroking them softly. She was about to snarl at him angrily to fucking suck on her clit now, when he did exactly that.

The back of her head slammed against the wall. He licked and sucked, firm but soft. Jack was panting, cursing, writhing, as the pleasure built up in her. The rushing of her blood drowned out everything around her and she knew she was getting closer to that explosion...

He stopped.

When she looked up he was awkwardly getting up from the floor. In a fit of anger she ripped the red band in two pieces. "What the fuck? You heat me up like that and then..." She stopped when she could see his face.

He looked at her defeated, his face full of guilt. Jack wasn't sure, but he definitely did not look like he was trying to be mean. She could see that he was in pain as he scrambled to stretch his legs, holding on to one of the support beams.

"I'm so sorry, Jack, I can't... you know Vrolics isn't just hollow bones and shit, it's also joints not working well, muscle strain and..." He was rubbing his knee, a painful look on his face. "After walking around on the Citadel with you, I'm afraid this position is killing me. My knees are busted."

Jack felt sorry for him, but also disappointed. She was so hot for him right now, for a second she contemplated on jumping him and just having her way with him and his clearly visible erection. She stared down to her hands, the two pieces of the red silk still wrapped around them. It had all felt so good, so different than what she was used to and she was surprised how much she wanted him to continue.

Suddenly his head was right next to hers, his hot breath on her ear and it was enough to make the heat rise in her again. "Lie down for me, sweety." He gently pushed her down and then positioned himself beside her. Slowly he lowered himself down, only in the other direction, so that his face was between her legs.

Jack laughed out, "So we're doing sixty-nine now?"

"You don't have to do anything, sweety. This is all about you." Jack stared, she would have given him a blowjob without second thought, but he didn't even expect that of her. 

Joker scooted closer to her and brought himself in the right position. "Close your eyes, and relax. Oh, and don't forget to hold that band." 

Jack took the two pieces and held them both taut together. As he had told her, she closed her eyes, concentrating on the feelings buildings up inside of her. Joker soon found his way back into his previous rhythm, circling her clitoris and tentatively dipping his tongue deep between her labia, just enough to make her squirm with anticipation. A gentle suck with his lips on her clit had her swearing incoherently. Her head pressed into the cot's mattress, her back arching, she was tensed like a string on a bow. She had long given up wondering how he could do this so well, virtually playing her like an instrument.

She was breathing hard now, sweat dripping from her forehead, trembling on the precipice of complete ecstasy. She was whimpering, she was begging for fucks sake! "Please, Joker, please don't stop, oh fuck!" And he hadn’t even fucked her yet.

Suddenly he changed the rhythm, lapping at her clit faster and harder and he slid two fingers into her depths, stroking upwards along her inner walls, then sucking and stroking and Jack lost it. With a scream she came, her orgasm zapping through her like a biotic overload, blacking out all her senses except for him - _him!_ The buzz swept her away, she felt like she was floating on blue light. The bands in her hands were already ripped, her hands helplessly trying to find something to hold on to. She felt her biotics prickling again and it took all her self-control to hold them in, to not explode in a giant shockwave. The energy rolled through her, fizzling out in tiny blue flashes jumping out from her skin.

Joker groaned. "Your biotics... holy shit."

"Does it hurt?"

"Oh hell no, quite the opposite, it feels so... so..."

She didn't let him finish, still shivering and fizzling from her orgasm she ripped his pants open and took his penis into her mouth. Blue flashes jumped on to him and she heard him moan.

"Fuck! Shit, oh shit. You don't have to, Jack, you don't need to..."

"Shut up, Joker!" she grumbled, letting his erection go for a second. Carefully, she let a zap of biotic energy jump from her fingers to his testicles and his lusty groan told her everything she needed to know. With renewed fervor she returned to his penis and sucked on him while she let the biotics travel up his groin. She felt him squirm and twitch in her mouth. With a grin she swirled her tongue around his tip, letting a tiny bit of biotic energy travel along it towards his tip. He moaned loudly and she saw his hands flex, searching for something to hold on to.

Once more she set a swirl of her biotics loose along his shaft, trailing her tongue along behind the blue glow of energy, before enveloping him with her mouth, diving downward and then slowly raising back up, sucking him all the way.

She felt him tense and then he yelled out and came, his whole body shaking. Jack swallowed his seed, grinning at her success.

He fell back with a sigh, stretching out his body. "Holy shit, Jack, that was amazing!"

Jack raised herself up and leaned against the wall again. She almost wanted to lie down beside him, her face next to his, but that would have been too close to cuddling. She moved her legs under his knees and heard him sigh.

"Ah, that's good, to put my legs up like that," he murmured. He had his hands behind his head and his eyes were closed. His shirt had moved up to his chest, revealing his well muscled stomach. Jack looked him up and down. Apart from his weak legs, he looked good, very good.

"I'm sorry that it wasn't quite what you had thought it would be," he said, looking at her with a shy grin.

Jack's head snapped around. "Shut the fuck up, Joker. It was -" _amazing, wonderful, unbelieveable, so much better than anything before_ "- good."

"Good? Wow, you sure know how to make a guy feel great," Joker said sarcastically.

"No! I meant that it was really, really good! Really good!" she protested, "and maybe next time.."

Joker raised himself up on his elbows, "So there will be a next time?"

She nodded, not looking at him. "Yes, next time maybe your joints won't be so... fucked and we can try something else."

Joker took her hand and kissed her knuckles. "I'm so glad." He fell back on the cot. "I feel like I should be getting up and leaving, so that I don't push my luck, but I'm afraid I can't. Not yet at least."

"You can stay here," Jack murmured. She grabbed a blanket and threw it over them, covering him completely and her legs under his. "I don't mind." _I kinda like it._

When he didn’t say anything, she turned her head to look at him. He had already fallen asleep. She stayed with him, looking at him sleep.

* * *

 

The justicar sat in her usual place in front of the window, biotic energy dancing between her hands. Jack sat down beside her and waited for the asari to notice her.

The bright light in the justicar's eyes died down and Samara turned to her, her eyes looking normal again. "Do you wish to speak to me, child?"

"Yes, I do but I'm still not your child. My name is Jack," she said through clenched teeth.

"I apologize, Jack. I will use your name from now on. What do you wish to speak about?" Samara asked, her voice calm and friendly as always.

Jack opened her mouth and then closed it again. She did not know how to say it. "I have been... I have gotten closer to... ah fuck it, I've had sex with the pilot!" she blurted out. She had no reason to be embarrassed about anything.

Samara let out a small chuckle. "So you followed the call?"

"The what?"

"Oh, no, it is not the call from the goddess for humans, it is... you followed your heart! That is the human expression, correct?" Samara asked and she looked strangely excited about it.

Jack sighed annoyed, "My heart has nothing to do with it. That's not the point, I wanted to ask you if you could teach me specific barriers?"

"What did you have in mind?"

"He has weak bones and joints and shit. I thought... maybe there is a way that I could make a barrier around them, to make them stronger, so that he doesn't break when we have sex." Jack did not look at her, was she really asking an asari justicar for help with her sex-life? Was she crazy?

When Samara didn't answer, she turned to her and found her looking at her very serious. "If this is against your damn code or something, forget about it," Jack snarled.

"No, it is not against my code to help you," Samara said. "I was merely thinking about what kind of barrier would be appropriate for that. I suggest that you talk to Dr. Chakwas about his illness and what kind of support he would need. We do not want to make it worse for him."

"Yeah, good point," Jack murmured and then froze. "Fuck, I have to talk to Joker's almost-mom about having sex with him? Oh fucking fuck, what the ever living..."

Samara turned back towards the window, building up the storm of biotic energy between her hands again. "I am impressed what you are willing to do for your friend. Come back when you have gathered the necessary information."

Her eyes turned bright white and Jack knew that she wouldn't talk anymore.

Jack sighed, what the fuck had she had gotten herself into?

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was the original idea I had in my mind when I started to write the story, about Jack going to Samara to learn barriers for Joker.
> 
>  
> 
> Editor of doom: Spyke1985


	4. Chapter 4

 

* * *

 

Dr. Chakwas turned from the terminal screen in front of her and looked at Jack, her eyebrows raised in question. With a practised sweep, she took in Jacks appearance and her shoulders visibly relaxed when she did not see any obvious injuries on her.

On the terminal screen Jack could see a turian, his mandibles spread in a grin. She felt like she had intruded on something personal.

"Eh, I'll come back later," Jack mumbled and turned around to leave.

"No, it's quite alright, dear. Let me just finish my call," the doctor said and turned back to the screen. "I'll talk to you later then?"

The turian on the screen bowed his head. "Yes, my lady, I will await your call." His subharmonics gave off a hum as the screen turned dark.

Dr. Chakwas turned her chair around and pointed to the other chair at her desk. "Why don't you have a seat, Jack? What can I do for you? You are not injured, I assume?"

"No, I'm okay, "Jack said and slowly sat down on the offered chair. "I'm here because... I wanted to talk about Joker."

Chakwas' eyebrows went up again and a smile played around her lips. "You want to talk about Jeff? I have to remind you that I will not willingly break doctor-patient confidentiality. Anything you want to know about his illness, you should probably ask him yourself." She typed something on her omni-tool and the windows of the med-bay turned dark.

"Yes, and I fucking will. But I wanted..." Jack hesitated. She usually never had any problems talking about sex or getting people to do what she wanted. But Dr. Chakwas was different, Jack felt intimidated in her presence. She seemed like such a proper lady, no wonder her turian friend had called her that too. Jack had not met many people like her in her life so far. She took a breath, deciding to just get it over with. "I wanted to know how one could support his bones with a biotic barrier."

Chakwas tilted her head, a grin spreading on her face. "Oh, this is about you and Jeff having sex, isn't it?"

"How the fuck do you know about that already?" Jack said, throwing her head back. "It's been like, what? Fucking 12 hours? Am I under surveillance or something?"

"Not more than anyone else, my dear and I can assure you that EDI did not tell me anything," Chakwas said with a grin. "Jeff was here after your little tryst to have his knees checked. I had to mend a hair fissure in his kneecap."

"Great, and he had nothing better to do than brag about his success," Jack growled. There was this feeling in her chest of having been used and it was all too familiar.

"No dear, he surely did not brag," Chakwas called out. "But he looked so happy that I asked him what had lightened his mood so much, despite the pain in his knees. So he told me that the two have you have gotten to know each other better." She winked at Jack. "I have been around long enough to know what he meant."

"Really?" Jack blurted out. _Maybe not quite so fucking proper this lady._

"Yes, really. Now, I'm pleased to hear that you take his condition into consideration," Chakwas said, "and I would gladly help. Unfortunately what you are suggesting is an idea I have not heard of before. It's a great idea though.You will have to give me time to do some research, find out if something like this has been done before."

She got up and took Jack's hand. "For now I would suggest that you practise your ability to concentrate on keeping a barrier up under, ahem, intense sensations." The doctor smiled warmly. "I'm sure you'll do fine."

Jack wanted nothing more than get away from this weird conversation but Dr. Chakwas had turned her attention to her arm and was scanning the area with her omni-tool. "This is where the Varren had bitten you on Pragia, correct?" she asked.

Jack stared at her blankly, she didn't really remember having gotten bitten. "Could be, I don't fucking know," she grumbled, trying to pull her arm away.

The doctor was still looking at her skin and suddenly said, "You will have to get your tattoos redone here and here." She pointed to two sections. "The lines don't quite line up anymore, the medi-gel has fused the skin a few millimetres apart."

Pulling her arm away, Jack took a closer look herself. Chakwas was right, the pattern had a slight shift to it. "Are you a fucking expert on tattoos now too?" she snapped.

"Yes, indeed, I know some things about tattoos," Chakwas said with a smile.

"Yeah, you probably tell everyone how they shouldn't do it or they get skin infections or some shit like that," Jack spit out.

Chakwas grinned and opened her jacket. Jack backed away, what the fuck did the woman do now? Dr. Chakwas let her arms slip out of her jacket, revealing a sleeveless shirt and her naked arms. Both arms were covered in tattoos. Her right arm had a flowery tattoo, three big red rose blossoms connected by thorny green vines. Her left arm showed a sleeve of astronomical patterns, star fields, the Milky Way, all connected by bold lines.

Jack stared open mouthed. The tattoos were obviously excellent work and well taken care of. Her hand went to the tattoo of the Milky Way, she wanted to touch the white swirl in the deep blue field that stretched over Dr. Chakwas shoulder. Before she felt skin, she stopped herself and let her hand drop. Touching her would have been too personal but she still felt a strange connection to the older woman.

The doctor put her jacket back on, a smile playing on her lips. She spoke quietly so that Jack almost didn't hear her. "Friends come in all shapes and sizes, my dear. You just have to let them." She closed the jacket under her shoulder and sat back down in front of her terminal. She began typing and did not look at Jack when she spoke. "Feel free to come around anytime, Jack, if you want to talk."

"Okay," Jack said, her voice sounding strangely raspy in her ears. She backed out of the med-bay and found herself outside, looking into the mess hall. Gardner had his back turned to her, preparing some food and two crewmen sat at the table, apparently waiting for their meal. She thought about joining them.

But she hesitated. These were not her friends. She wasn't here to make friends.

She was here to... survive.

But somehow that did not seem to be enough anymore.

 

* * *

 

"Keep it up, Jack, do not lose focus."

Samara's voice was as calm as ever, casually holding out a hand to control the ball of tangible energy that Jack was balancing on. While trying to keep her balance, Jack was muttering curses under her breath, holding a small rod of omni-fiber suspended in the air with her biotics.

Building up the barrier had been easy, it was a variation on a warp field in her mind. The problem was to keep it a barrier, to not let it grow into a warp. If she was losing her balance, she involuntarily pulled the field tighter. Five splintered rods on the floor that needed to be melted back to omni-gel, spoke of the result of that.

She focused on the path of energy she felt surging through her body from her implant. In her mind they were streams of eezo, shining like molten silver. She was used to concentrate that energy into the deadliest force she could form. Now, she had to learn to feather it out, to let it only go to a certain point but not further. It felt like she had to use nerves that had never been used before.

Sweat formed on her forehead but she finally managed to stand perfectly still on the ball of energy and held the rod suspended mid-air, enclosed by the faint blue light of her barrier. A triumphant grin formed on her lips.

"Try to relax, child, do not force it."

Jack clenched her teeth in anger. "I'm not your child!" she huffed out. With a loud crack, the rod splintered into pieces. Yelling out, she threw the ball of useless energy against the hull. But the satisfying crack she wanted to hear didn't come, her energy held off by a barrier from Samara.

With a grunt she jumped off the balance ball and stomped over to the justicar. The imposing asari let her biotics die down and watched her calmly.

"Not. Your. Child!" she yelled at her, her fist clenching at her side.

"I am aware," Samara said, her voice deep and soothing. "But this was supposed to be an exercise in concentration and calm, was it not?" The little smile on her face looked almost like a smirk.

"That was a fucking stupid trick. Fucking stupid," Jack huffed out, bending over and catching her breath. Now that she was slowly calming down, her exhaustion caught up with her. Samara had her do these exercises for two hours straight.

Jack had always felt powerful, that was the one good thing that she had left from her miserable childhood. They had fucked up the little girl she had once been and made her an all powerful bitch. She had met a lot of mighty asari before, commandos, full of biotic power and finesse. She had beaten them all, with her raw power fueled by anger. Samara had been the first person she had ever met who seemed to be strong enough to beat her.

But that wasn't what impressed her the most. With Samara, her calmness, her restrained power was what made her so imposing. She did not show off her power, she did not threaten anyone. But it was clear that she was more powerful than anybody Jack had ever met. She was sure that there was more to her than she ever showed but it was impossible to read her. Samara hardly ever spoke to anyone other than Shepard, never showed any emotion, always remained calm and controlled. When she spoke, it usually contained some age old wisdom, built on the experience of the hundreds of years she had lived already.

She reminded her of a character in an old book that Fi... that a friend had showed her once. It was a comic about a warrior monk, deadly and wise. She had liked that story a lot. Samara was like a female version of that comic book hero. Just as deadly and just as wise.

Jack straightened her back and got another rod of omni-fiber from a box on the floor. "Alright, one more fucking time, this time I will not break it. And you -" she pointed her finger at Samara, "will not call me child!"

Samara gave a short nod and actually smiled at her. The smile made her look like a beautiful goddess, Jack found herself almost entranced by it. She briefly wondered how many men and women had fallen for her in the years she had travelled the galaxy. How many had wanted to spend a lifetime with her and had all died a long time ago? She had to be very lonely.

Jack shook her head, this whole thinking about others was starting to get really tiring. She'd been happy on her own for years, she had never needed anyone. She'd been alone, at least most of the time and had been content with that. There had only been this one time, with Fi... - with this friend, where she had not been on her own. And that didn't end exactly well.

She chased those memories from her mind and nodded towards the justicar. Samara built up another ball of energy and Jack jumped on top of it. She felt her feet sink in slightly and grounded herself, before she built up the barrier and lifted the rod up. She concentrated on her feet, letting the barrier sink into the back of her mind. She wanted to be able to keep the barrier up without thinking about it. It almost worked, she almost didn't have to concentrate on it.

Jack didn't know how long she held the rod in the barrier, it felt like hours. But she had finally managed it. Floating in a blue glow, the rod hung motionless in the air.

"Very good, Jack, very good," Samara said. She slowly let the biotic energy shrink under her feet until Jack was standing on solid ground again. The omni-fiber rod was still floating. Jack felt a surge of pride.

Samara stepped up to her, looking at the rod floating. "Now, you should practise doing this under the special circumstances you had in mind."

Jack turned around and looked at Samara, who stood very close to her. "Hey, easy lady, I'm not letting you touch my eternity, okay? I can take care of that on my own."

"Of course," Samara said, stepping away with a bow of her head, "I only wanted to offer my help. In any way I can." She looked directly at her and Jack almost didn't notice the slight smirk playing in the corner of her lips.

"No way, did you just make a fucking joke?" Jack called out in disbelief. "Did you pull my leg just now?"

Samara bowed her head, a beautiful smile lighting up her face.

"Wow, I never would have thought I'd see that," Jack mumbled to herself. She let the barrier fade and the rod slowly tumbled to the ground. She stretched her back, feeling the strain of the past hours. "Enough for today."

"Yes," Samara said, "I expect to see you here again tomorrow, unless Shepard takes you on a mission with her."

"Alright, mom," Jack grumbled under her breath.

Samara suddenly stepped in her way. "I am not your mother, Jack." Again, the corners of her mouth were twitching.

"Oh fucking hell, was that another joke?" Jack laughed out loud. "Wow." She shook her head. She turned to the door and turned around before she stepped through the door. "Thank you  Samara."

"It was my pleasure, Jack." The asari returned to her usual spot in front of the window and resumed the position she always held when Jack entered the room. The ball of energy appeared between her hands and Jack knew that she was excused.

Checking the time she realized that Joker would be in the cockpit now. She hesitated. When he had woken up after their bedsports, he had kissed her and then went up to his cabin. She had seen him in the mess later and he had smiled at her. Everything had appeared normal.

So why did she hesitate to visit him in the cockpit?

She shook her head, this was stupid. There was no need to hesitate. With renewed vigor she made her way up to the cockpit, hearing the voices of another audio drama sounding out. She walked up behind his chair, unsure of what to do now. _He better not try to give me a kiss_ , she thought.

Joker's head snapped around and a flick of his finger stopped the audio drama. "Geez, Jack, I told you not to sneak up on me like that." He grinned up to her and Jack looked down to him. They stayed like that for a long moment as if they were sizing each other up. Jack waited for him to do something because she sure as hell had no idea how this friendship with sex thing worked. Not anymore at least.

Suddenly he took on of her hands and squeezed it. "Come on, sit down, sweety." He let her hand go and turned back to the glowing interface in front of him. Jack stepped over to the copilot's chair, feeling relieved. He had managed to take the awkwardness away. They could still just sit next to each other without gushing like a couple from a romantic comedy.

They were friends who had sex. She was glad that he seemed to see it the same way.

With a loud grunt she let herself fall into the chair. He whole body felt sore and her implant buzzed under her head. She scratched around it, trying to chase the tingling away.

Joker looked over to her with an amused look on his face. "What's the matter with you? You haven't been on any missions lately, what has gotten you so sore?" He smiled at her. "Don't tell me our little stunt has gotten you so tired."

"No, asshole, it wasn't because of that," Jack snapped back. "I practiced barriers with Samara for hours today." She stretched her arm over her head and bend over from side to side.

"Why did you need to practice barriers?" Joker asked. "I thought, powerful explosions are more your style, why do you even bother with barriers?"

"I'm doing this for you, asshole," Jack blurted out.

"What?" Joker had turned his seat and was now facing her. He looked at her seriously.

"I thought, I could support your bones with my biotics," she mumbled. "So I had to practice so that I don't make things fucking worse."

Joker stared at her with his mouth hanging open. "You are doing this for me, for us?"

Jack turned away and looked out front. "Don't make such a fucking big deal out of it."

Suddenly Joker got up and stumbled over to her. He put his hands on her cheeks and bowed down to give her a big, sloppy kiss. Pulling back he looked her in the eyes and whispered, "I won't tell anyone, don't worry, but you are the sweetest girl I have ever known."

"I hope for your fucking life that you're not telling that to anyone," Jack whispered against his mouth before getting up and pulling him to her. She tilted her head to the side and caught his lips with hers for a real kiss that left them both breathless.

When they let go of each other, all puffy lips with silly smiles, neither of them seemed to want it.

 

* * *

 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to Spyke1985 for emerging from the depths of Skyrim to edit this chapter.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello dear readers - sexy times are up ahead!

 

* * *

Shepard and Garrus being a couple again was about the best damn thing that happened to everyone on the ship. The atmosphere was charged with life and hope. The language had changed too: nobody called this a "suicide" mission anymore. Now it was "Shepard's mission" and people expected to come back to tell the tale.

Jack had come to love going on missions with Garrus and Shepard. They had always worked well together – even when there was still that unfinished romance shit between them – but now it was a fucking party. Quips flying, easy banter – Jack had never experienced anything like it. They had been a good team before but now they worked together like a dream.

Shepard was pushing everybody through loads of training missions, sending out two or three teams at once so everybody got all the training they could before the final mission. She rotated the teams: Garrus sometimes lead a four person team, but she also let Jacob and even Miranda – the fucking Cerberus cheerleader – lead missions. Jack had tried to be annoyed by that, especially because Shepard made her work with her, but even Jack had to admit that the cheerleader was competent and had changed.

Through some kind of Shepard magic, little Miss Perfect had actually tried to become part of the team, and wasn‘t singing the The Illusive Man’s praises anymore. She even apologized to Jack, after reading the files on Subject Zero. Jack had to bite back on laughter at how uncomfortable Miranda had looked at that but her apology felt sincere and for once she felt it would have been wrong to dismiss that with an angry snark. Which was probably another kind of Shepard magic.

Joker had laughed when she told him about it.

"Seriously, I don't know how she does it," Jack said as she let herself fall into the copilot chair. "How she gets the most perfect Cerberus followers to work with assassins and known criminals and aliens! It's fucking magic. She should sell bottles of that shit."

He laughed and she loved hearing it. She studied his profile as he worked over the orange glowing interface. His cap was shading his eyes but she knew that they would look golden. His fingers danced over the controls and suddenly stilled. Only then did she notice that he looked back at her. He had that stupid big grin on his face again.

"See anything you like, sweety?"

Jack opened her mouth but didn't know what to say. The truth was, she liked what she saw – a lot. She'd be damned to tell him but she liked his face: the stubble, the golden eyes and his soft lips. She even liked how the stupid cap looked on him. After their night of bedsports, they had not had any new opportunities to be together like that again. She had spend time with him in the cockpit but for the last three weeks, Shepard had pushed them all to the limit.

Jack never thought it possible, but she had actually been too tired to have sex. Which would have been okay if it weren't for the fact that she was pretty sure that Shepard and Garrus were going at it every fucking minute they were alone. At least Shepard always had this glow to her. It was kind of hard to tell with the turian but he sure looked damn happy too. Joker had told her that they had already been a couple when they were chasing Saren, which pretty much blew her mind. The Alliance's queen of the boyscouts had been sexing up a turian? Jack was really impressed. Apparently Shepard had not been quite the perfect Alliance soldier as the media had set her up...

Joker was still looking at her, and his grin had gotten even wider. Jack hissed, "Shut up, Joker," through her teeth, and turned back towards the stars outside of the window. She still loved this view.

But her line of thinking had gotten her started on some familiar urges, and she shifted in the seat. She turned to Joker. "Hey, wanna have sex?"

It made her smile how flustered he got when she just asked him like that.

Joker caught himself and gave her the biggest smile. "You are like the perfect woman. You just say what you want, and don't expect me to read your mind." He leaned forward and caught one of her hands. "I'm off in an hour. How do you feel?"

"I'm fine. Shepard didn't send me down today – for once." She rubbed her neck along the corners of her implant out of habit. Unlike all other days in the last three weeks, her implant did not feel like it wanted to jump out of her skull. Between warping and shockwaving all over the place, and practicing barriers and stasis with Samara, her implant had been buzzing when she finally fell into her cot, utterly exhausted. Tonight was the first night where she felt able to actually be an active bedpartner.

"How about this," Joker said, "in an hour, I'll climb down into your cave and we'll see what we can come up with." He smiled at her with that stupid big grin that she liked.

"I'll be there. I have something special planned for you," she said, and there was a stupid grin on her face, too.

* * *

Jack woke up naked on her cot – apparently she had fallen asleep. Someone was touching her cheek. In a well-trained reflex, she grabbed the attackers hand. She was about to twist his arm out of it's socket when she became aware enough to realize that Joker was yelling at her to stop. "Whoah! Hey, sweety, hey, it's only me!"

Jack let go of his arm and scrambled up in her cot. "I'm sorry, Joker, sorry, I'm not used to..."

"You're not used to someone stroking your cheek?" He was rubbing his shoulder and winced. "That's kind of... well, sweety, how about you close your eyes and I do that again?"

Jack was about to wave this stupid idea off... but then she closed her eyes, and leaned back on her cot. She heard him move but he did not do anything and the waiting was almost unbearable. She was about to get up when she felt the slightest touch on her cheek: soft, barely brushing the skin. He trailed his finger along her cheek, up to her eyebrow and back down again. He did it again, up and down and moved over to her lips. His fingers traced her upper lip, softly pressing and she opened her lips and let a breath escape.

She didn't know why but she kept her eyes closed. She heard him move, and suddenly his breath was on her skin, his lips lightly kissing her cheek. He followed the path of his fingers with his lips, up and down and over to her lips. When he finally kissed her, a shudder went through her.

It was frankly ridiculous how much his soft kisses turned her on. So different to most kisses she had had. Instead of attacking her mouth and forcing his tongue in like he wanted to come out on the other side, he was softly exploring her, waiting for her to react. His tongue was tangling with hers and it felt so wonderful.

He laid down next to her and wrapped his arms around her. With every kiss, he pulled her closer and she felt her body easily following his moves. Every touch was soft and careful and it felt good but it wasn't enough.

Tonight Jack wanted more.

She grabbed him by his shoulders and pushed him up and to the side. He looked confused for a second, but then smiled and shrugged. "Okay, you're the boss tonight, crazy lady."

"Yes, I am." Jack grinned and began to undress him. She pulled his shirt over his head first, admiring his upper body once again. She trailed her finger down his torso, following the trail of hair that led to his groin. His pants had to go, fast, but she knew, even without seeing the slightly panicked look in his eyes, that she couldn't just rip them off.

"Don't worry, flyboy. I'll be careful. Lift your ass." She looked at him and saw him grin as she pulled his pants down. She got stuck on his shoes and had to scramble down to his feet to get them off. She used the opportunity to shake her ass at him, and received the expected attention from him. His hands took hold of her butt cheeks, his thumbs working their way down to her labia.

He very quickly found her clit and she leaned into his touch with a sharp breath, but she was not about to let go of her control now. His shoes and pants fell down to the floor in a tangled mess and she turned around to face him again and kissed him. She held her own weight on her arms and held her body above him, their lips their only contact. This time she wanted to be the one to kiss him like he always kissed her: soft and sensual. She sucked on his lips and just barely touched her tongue to his. He let her set the pace, but at some point lost it. With a groan he pulled her close to him and she let him, bending her arms.

She layed herself down on him, careful to not hurt him. In her mind she prepared the biotic mnemonic she needed for the move she had practised. Dipping her hips, she rubbed herself on him, feeling his hard penis against her clitoris. It felt so good and a needy hunger for him built up in her core. She lifted her hip and aligned her opening with him. With a sigh she took him in, slowly sinking down. Then she stayed still, just feeling him.

Joker groaned. "Jack, what do you have planned?" He nibbled along her cheek to her ear, moving his hips a little. His sucking on her earlobe drove her completely insane, and she almost forgot that she wanted to lead tonight.

"Trust me, flyboy. I'm taking care of you," she whispered in his ear. She kissed down his shoulder, "Just relax." She clenched her vagina around him and smiled at his lustful groan.

Joker let himself fall back on the cot. "Alright, I hope you know what you're doing." He pointed toward his groin and the general area of his legs. "Handle with care, you know?"

"Yes, I know." She put her hands on his hips and closed her eyes. In her mind, she prepared the path for biotic energy to flow out in the special pattern of the barrier-stasis combination that she had practised. "Brace yourself," she whispered.

Blue light swirled out from her hands and enclosed his hips and legs. Joker stared down at it and dipped his fingers into the glow. He mumbled, "This is weird, I can't move at all."

Jack felt his muscles twitch but the stasis held his lower body still. She watched his face: he looked slightly uncomfortable. "You don't have to move, I'll take care of that." She told him. "Let me try this, see how you like it."

He looked in her eyes, and he looked more serious than she had ever seen him. It scared her to the bone. He took her face in her hands and spoke without a hint of his usual sarcasm and jokes. "Okay. I trust you, Jack."

Somehow, there was more meaning in those words than she wanted to deal with. To distract him she moved her hips, lifting herself up along his shaft and then experimentally let herself fall down harder than she normally would have dared.

His head slammed back against the cot and his hands tightened on her head. "Shit!" He yelled out.

Jack stilled. "Did I hurt you?"

Joker looked at her, his eyes glazed over with lust. "No, not like that. It‘s just... it was so intense..."

She smiled and lifted herself up again. In her mind she checked the stasis-barrier and found it solid, but not too tight. Holding the tip of his penis between her labia-lips she kissed him and whispered against his mouth, "I'm going to ride you now, okay?"

She felt him swallow and his voice was hoarse when he answered. "Okay, crazy cowgirl."

With a moan she slammed down on him and began taking him, riding him harder and harder. She groaned at the wonderful feeling of him filling her. When she opened her eyes, she found him looking at her, his eyes wide. His expression was a mixture of lust and awe, like he couldn't believe what was happening.

She kept going, setting a fast pace, like sex had always been, before she had met Joker. She took him deep and hard and she loved how he felt inside of her. How he rubbed her in all the right places, how he dipped against her deepest spot. His hands clenched on her back and she kept searching his face for signs of discomfort but didn't find any. They were both breathing fast in the rhythm of her fucking him. She felt him tense up and his arms wrapped tight around her, almost taking her breath away.

"Are you close?" Joker huffed out. "Cause I'm not going to last much longer."

Jack changed the angle, putting more friction on her clitoris, and she felt that familiar heat rising in her abdomen. She slowed down and leaned back to give herself access to her clit, but his hand was there first. With the knuckles of two fingers he squeezed her clitoris and rubbed her in some fucking magical motion that had her come undone in seconds. Her orgasm came upon her like an attack and she almost forgot where she was, but then she slammed down on him and rode out her orgasm, fucking him hard and fast while she clenched around him.

"Oh, fuck, fuck!" He yelled out and she felt him come inside of her, twitching despite the stasis field. He groaned and held on so hard, his fingers probably left marks on her back.

His hand on her butt told her to stop moving. She slowly let the stasis-barrier dissipate, carefully rolling them to the side so that she could lie beside him, his penis still inside of her. She had to catch her breath and somehow it felt right to stay in his arms even if it was almost like cuddling. Which she would never do.

"Fucking hell, Jack, that was... amazing!" he said, his lips almost touching hers.

She kept her eyes closed – for some reason she didn't want to see how he looked at her.

His voice still sounded hoarse. "It was so intense... hard and fast is obviously not in my usual repertoire. And that barrier... it was weird not to be able to move but the biotic energy made it even more intense somehow."

His lips touched hers and she was surprised how familiar it felt to kiss him, soft and caring. How normal it was.

She broke the kiss and finally dared to look at him. "So, did you like that stasis-barrier?"

He hesitated and Jack felt her heart stop in sudden fear. What if he didn't like it?

His voice was soft when he spoke. "I have to admit, it was a bit disturbing at first, like I was trapped in a force field or something, but it was also extremely hot to be at your mercy." He gave her another kiss and then looked in her eyes. "I wouldn't want you to do it without my permission though, you know? It would feel like abuse."

Jack froze. She hadn't even thought about that, about asking him for permission. She had practically raped him, not even thinking about how he felt with his lower body trapped in a stasis field. She scrambled to get up and run away to who-knows-where, just to get away from this situation.

His hand on her cheek stopped her. "Hey," he said, "I didn't say it felt like abuse. Definitely not. It was fucking amazing!" He smiled at her, and she relaxed slightly.

He gave her a kiss and smiled again. "We should make up a codeword," he said. "Something that I can say if I want it or that you can say if you want to do it." Jack could only nod. He kept on talking, his voice warm. "How about 'the hold'? I can ask 'Can you do the hold?' or you can ask 'Okay if I do the hold?' or something like that. What do you think?"

Jack swallowed, her throat felt dry. "Sounds good. 'The hold.' I like that."

"Alright," he said and kissed her again. "My crazy biotic goddess."

Kissing with Joker felt even better than the sex, and Jack really had no idea how the fuck that was possible.

* * *

Jack scanned the battlefield and mapped out the area in her head. It looked simple enough: a pirate base in a flat building with two exits, sitting in a valley. Shepard and her team had the northern exit covered and Jack's team was working on the south-western exit.

This was the first time that Shepard had Jack leading her own team on a real mission. She had called her up to her loft and gave her a full briefing on the mission while Jack had wondered why the hell she had to know all that. And then she just got handed her own team to take down the pirate base from the south. Shepard had ordered her to take Grunt on her team, but left the other member to her own choice. Jack had almost said "Garrus," just to see the reaction on the Commander's face, but thought that getting Shepard angry might not be the wisest choice. So she picked Thane.

While the drell assassin made her slightly uneasy, he was a sniper and therefore an easy choice to be paired with two frontals like Grunt and her. For some reason she felt a connection to the quiet man. He was in a similar position as her, having worked alone for many years and now having to adapt to a team. He accepted her rank as team leader for this mission with the same polite reserve he used for everything. If he had a problem with her leading, he didn't show it and for Jack that was fine enough.

Grunt had not been quite as accepting and Shepard had pulled him aside to drill her order into him. While Grunt had no problem accepting orders from his battlemaster, he needed some convincing to accept Jack in that position. He mumbled something about Jack not being his krantt, but he promised Shepard to follow her orders.

He looked at her skeptically from the corner of his eye, but so far he had done what she had said. Thane was somewhere at their back. He had practically turned invisible, one second he was right in front of her, and the next second he was gone. Jack could not make him out among the silvery rocks glittering in the sun.

Only a few scraps of sturdy foliage managed to survive in the harsh sunlight. They had found something that sort of looked like a tree to provide some rare shade. She opened a comm channel to her team. "Grunt and me will go inside now and we will funnel the leftovers out for Thane to pick off. Grunt, you take left, I take the right. Clear?"

A grunted "Clear" came from her left side and through her comm she heard Thane's calm voice saying "Clear" as well. She nodded at Grunt and ducked in and out of cover, closing in on the door. Behind her she heard Grunt following her lead, surprisingly quiet for a massive krogan. Out of the shade, it was getting hotter by the minute. Dust began to stick to the sweat on her skin.

"Shepard to team Jack," came over the comm. Jack signaled Grunt to stop and take cover and opened the channel. "Jack here." She opened the channel to Grunt and Thane as well, feeling proud to have a team of her own with her name.

"Change of plans. They collapsed the northern entrance, so we are coming to you. Moving in from the east side. At least twenty mercs are heading your way. Be prepared."

"Understood." Jack closed the channel and considered the new situtaion. On her own, she would not attack so many; she would try to separate groups and not face more than four or five attackers at once. But she was not on her own; she had a team now. But could she risk her team in a full frontal assault?

She checked the map on her visor. As much as she had huffed and snarled at Shepard for making her wear an armored jacket and a light helmet with a visor, she had to admit that it was fucking useful right now. Her back would have been sunburned by now without the jacket, and the map on the visor was so accurate she didn't know how she could have done this without it.

The mercs were still all huddled inside of the building, more towards the northern side, according to the map. Jack thought that they could still work their way behind them and chase them outside to where Thane – and soon Shepard and her team – would await them. It was still a good plan, even with more enemies coming towards them.

"Listen up, guys," she called into the comm, "we will still do this like we had said before. Grunt, there seems to be a passage on both sides that can take us behind them and then we just make them run. Thane will shoot them when they come out."

"Of course." The calm, confident rasp of Thane's voice was almost soothing. Grunt just grunted, which was probably meant as an agreement. Even if it wasn't, Jack was not going to let a baby-krogan ruin her party.

"Let's go!"

She started running towards the entrance, hunched over, always keeping her eyes on the entrance. So far, none of the mercs had come out. She checked the visor again, they appeared to be staying in a middle room, as if they knew that outside held only death for them.

Well, inside would get uncomfortable soon too.

Grunt and Jack sprinted across the small, coverless plain in front of the door. But none of the pirates were outside, as if they were waiting for something to happen. It made Jack uneasy; her instincts told her that this was a trap. But the map on the visor told her that all enemies were huddled together in the middle of a large room almost at the centre of the complex.

They both took cover beside the large door, each on one side. Grunt looked at her, his shotgun ready and suddenly entered the building, without waiting for her command to move in. "Ass," she mumbled to herself, scrambling to enter herself and move up to the right side of the central area.

They were in some kind of hallway, small doors leading to storage areas and a large door at each end. Jack opened each door and checked the rooms as quietly as possible and was relieved to see Grunt doing the same. Even an annoying baby-krogan was smart enough to not draw enemies towards him by making unnecessary noise. When she came to the large door at the end of her side of the hallway, she looked over her shoulder to see Grunt already opening the door on his side. Once again he had not waited for her.

 _This better not turn into a fucking problem..._ Jack thought to herself. Shepard had made her head of the team and, as unusual as the position was for her too, he had to fucking accept her command.

Jack carefully stepped through the doors and was relieved to see that a wall of containers was blocking her from view. She could clearly hear the group of pirates now. They were talking in hushed whispers and she could not hear what they said but it made her uneasy. Something did not feel right.

She checked the map on her visor again, just in time to see it zap out and flash distortions at her. _Oh fuck_! Jack thought to herself. They were blocking her combat scanner. That could only mean that they were expecting them and had been waiting for them.

She opened the comm to everybody. "It's a trap! They‘re expecting us!" Muttered curses answered her through the channels. "Grunt, retreat!" she called out, but it was already too late. Grunt's wild combat roar told her that he had already been found and had engaged the enemy.

"Fucking fuck!" Jack muttered. A quick look past the containers showed her that Grunt was pretty much trapped behind his own set and in need of a distraction. Well, that she could provide.

She connected her comm to Grunt. "Grunt, I'm going to lure them away from you, so you better get your ass back to the main door."

Grunt answered with another grunt and she charged up her biotics. Stepping out, wrapped in a blue glow she screamed at them. "I will destroy you!" It had the desired effect of the mercs turning their attention to her and she threw the shockwave that she had prepared. The mercs toppled over like bowling pins, and Grunt and Jack killed them quickly with headshots. From the far side of the large room, footsteps told them that more were coming and Grunt followed Jack's lead back towards the entrance without hesitation.

"Thane, we're coming out. Is the area clear?" she yelled into the comm.

"Negative." The deep voice of the drell came over the comm. "I'm counting eleven mercs moving towards the entrance. They were hidden under a cloak shield."

"How the fuck do lowlife mercs get access to tech like that?" Jack snarled through her teeth.

Shepard's voice joined the comm line. "I would really like to fucking know that too. Is this what Cerberus calls intel?" She was clearly annoyed and Jack had to grin at the thought of what kind of verbal beating the Cerberus cheerleader would get for this.

"Jack?" Shepard called out over the comm, "we're five minutes away from your position. You‘ll have to manage til then."

"Yeah, I'll think of something," Jack grumbled. They had reached the doors and looked out towards the grassy field. For once, Grunt didn't run out but waited for her command.

Shots peppered the wall dangerously close to them. Jack threw another shockwave back at the attackers; Grunt shot towards the other direction. Mercs were coming at them from both sides now. They couldn't stay here.

Jack called to Grunt. "Hey, kiddo, we run towards those rocks there and then you throw two of your grenades back to destroy this entrance. That way, we have cover and no surprises sneak up on our backs."

"Yes, good idea," Grunt growled – the longest sentence he had uttered on this mission so far. Jack threw two shockwaves to the sides, her implant tingling. She had almost exhausted her biotics. With a nod she signalled to Grunt to follow her and ran out into the open. She felt and heard his heavy steps directly behind her. He only stopped once, to throw the grenades back. They slid against the rock, diving into cover. Jack managed to raise a barrier just in time as the grenades exploded and destroyed the entrance.

She had to grin: this was not exactly why she had practised barriers.

The sound of Thane's sniper rifle rang across the valley, and the faint screams of someone dying gave them a hint to the direction their new attackers were coming from. Jack wondered for a second if Thane had done that on purpose – he was definitely capable of killing someone with a headshot so that he couldn't even scream. Either way it was useful.

Jack relaxed a little: they had a good position behind these rocks. Grunt equipped his shotgun with a fresh thermal clip and grinned at her, when suddenly a shot hit him in his shoulder. Jack raised another barrier and they both scrambled to see where the shot had come from and. The dust from the explosion had settled, and they could see now that the destruction of the entrance was not as thorough as they had hoped.

There was a gap in the rubble big enough to let a sniper aim through it, and some mercs were already working at widening the gap. Jack looked around, their position suddenly turned out to be really sucky. While they had cover from the rocks, they were completely exposed to the other side.

Jack opened her comm to everyone. "We could use some help here."

Shepard answered immediately. "Two minutes."

Shots slammed into Jack's barrier, while Grunt fired at the gap in the debris with angry yells. Jack felt her powers fade – she wasn't sure if they could hold out for another minute. She looked around and her eyes fell on a solitary rock a few meters away from them. It wasn't big but it was better than nothing. She grabbed Grunt's arm and pointed at the rock.

He shook his head. "No cover from the other side."

"I know, but if I lift it and you push it, we can move it over here and..." She didn't need to continue, Grunt understood right away. _Smart krogan_ , Jack thought.

They ran over to the rock, huddling under Jack's fading barrier, and Grunt shooting at the mercs that started crawling out of the collapsed entrance. When they had reached the rock Jack let the barrier collapse with a sigh.

She leaned against the rock to catch her breath. Her implant was buzzing and she was already feeling extremely hungry. But after a few seconds she felt the tingling fade and her powers return. This was something only biotics understood: that you could feel the level of power your biotics had. Grunt looked at her and she gave him a nod. "I lift, you push and we move this guy to our cover." She prepared a variation of her Pull-field and turned to Grunt when the blue glow enclosed her. "Now." He attached the shotgun to his back and placed his hands on the rock.

"Let's go," he said with a toothy grin. Jack grinned back and lifted the rock a few centimeters. Immediately sweat broke out on her head – she would not be able to hold this lift field for long. Grunt seemed to sense that because he pushed even harder against the rock, his face turning slightly orange.

Finally they had arrived in front of their old friend the rock formation, and Jack let the field drop. Shots kept peppering against their new cover and, looking over their rocks, they saw another group approaching.

Jack opened the comm to Thane. "What's the matter? I see someone come towards us. Why do they still live?"

The deep voice of the drell answered calmly. "I don't have a clear shot; I'm changing position."

Jack sighed and checked her shotgun. She was running out of thermal clips. "How are your thermal clips?" she asked Grunt.

"Low."

"Well, keep shooting." Jack sighed and raised her own shotgun over the rocks.

Grunt only grunted. But he also grinned at her and Jack felt that he had finally accepted her. The both fired over their cover and Jack managed the occasional shockwave with the last remains of her energy.

Finally, as she watched the counter on both their weapons approaching zero, the remaining mercs fell to the shooting from another group. Shepard's team had arrived and cleared out the rest of the pirates.

Then there was silence. Jack could actually hear birds singing. She let her head fall back against the rock and searched for a ration bar in her pockets. A shadow fell on her face. When she looked up she saw Shepard hold out a hand and a ration bar.

Jack took her hand and let herself get pulled up. She stuffed the ration bar in her mouth and was almost too impatient to chew before she could finally swallow the much needed nutrients.

Shepard looked around and then looked at her seriously. "So, you built your own cover for Grunt and yourself?" she asked.

Jack could only nod.

Shepard fixed her with an intense stare. "Well done, Jack. Well done."

Jack wondered if she looked stupid, pride manifesting in a big, beaming grin.

* * *

It had taken Jack some serious scrubbing and a fuckload of water to wash off all the dust and grime from that fight. Every bone in her body was tired. She had settled down on her cot in her towel when she heard the door open on the engineering deck.

Joker's familiar shuffle told her it was him coming down the stairs. As she looked up she saw his eyes scanning the room. She realized that it still looked just as bare and uninviting as it had the last time Joker had been down here. Maybe she should do something about that. He left the last step with a little hop and grinned at her.

"I heard you were quite successful today, sweety." His smile spread across his whole face, and for some strange reason it made her feel a warm trickle of pride too. She stood up, wrapping the towel around herself, and walked towards him. That smile needed to be kissed off his face.

She took his face into her hands and kissed his upper lip, letting her hand travel down his back. His stumbling intake of breath made her giggle: she liked catching him off guard. She felt him grin as he caught her own lip and sucked on it. They both fell into a fit of giggles and had to stop.

Joker leaned his forehead against hers, his nose touching hers. "So, how was your day?" he asked.

Jack closed her eyes. She didn't want to talk, she was too tired and she just wanted to have some fun now. "I know you watch the feed, flyboy, so shut it," she snarled at him.

It came out harsher than she had intended. She could see in his face that he was taken aback, even though he tried to hide it. To distract him – and to avoid looking at him – she kissed him under his ear, receiving the desired reaction from him as he tightened his grip on her waist.

"Alright, my lady. No talking, I guess," he mumbled.

She was relieved to hear a smile in his voice. No talking sounded right to her. They weren't a cutesy 'how was your day, darling?' couple: they were here to fuck.

Jack let the towel drop, her room pleasantly warm so close to the drive core. She took a step back, giving him a nice view of her body, his hands reaching for her as she stepped away. Joker stared at her, that familiar hunger that all men got when they saw her in his eyes. If she really looked, she saw something else there too, but she refused to dwell on that. With a wink she encouraged him to follow her to her cot.

He came after her, a lot faster than she had thought him capable of. His arms wrapped around her from behind and he placed a hot trail of kisses on her shoulder. She felt him press against her - his Cerberus uniform rubbing like leather against her back. His hands softly caressed her body, stroking over her boobs, her nipples, her waist, her stomach, every area he could reach. He was feather-light here, firmly rubbing there. Jack leaned her head back on his shoulder with a light moan.

Joker kissed her throat, his lips lightly nibbling along her shoulder. "Hey," he whispered, "you got a little sunburnt here on your arm." He was softly stroking over the skin that had not been covered by the jacket. Jack strained her neck to look at the area and indeed the skin between the black lines of her tattoos showed a light pink. He placed soft kisses on the area. It made her smile, and she shuddered, but the pleasant feeling tipped over into annoyance.

Why was he always so nice? Why couldn't he just fuck her like every other man? It annoyed her that he took down all her defenses so easily, tore away everything she had worked so hard at, to stop the world from hurting her.

Joker kissed his way back up to her ear, oblivious to the anger welling up in her. "So," he murmured against her skin, "how did it feel to have your own team? To be the boss?"

Jack turned her head away with an angry hiss. "Damn it, Joker," she yelled out as she pushed away from him. She turned back to him, her arms crossed over her breasts. "Why do you ask all these questions? We are here to fuck, for fuck‘s sake. Not to talk, not to cuddle, not tell each other our fucking feelings like pussys!"

Joker’s face tightened in confusion but there was also something else. Something that she recognised.

Joker looked at her like _he_ had done. _Him_. This had been the look that Fixer had given her, when he had told her to go ahead, that he would come after her, that they would meet in the shuttle. It was the look she remembered when the autopilot took her away from the exploding wreckage, while she was beating at the controls, blurred by her tears. It was the look his picture had when she read the entry he had made for her, where he told her that he loved her, that he wanted to live with her, have a home with her.

It was the look of love that will leave and die.

She picked up a shirt from her cot and pulled it over her head. "I knew this was a mistake, I fucking knew!" she growled to herself. She didn't look at him, didn't look at his face but she felt his presence. "I knew you would turn this into some fucking romance, with love and shit."

His shuffle told her he was moving away from her, back towards the stairs. Something inside her wanted to call after him, to tell him to come back, but she locked it away – had locked it away, a long time ago. She was stronger now.

Joker was halfway up the stairs when he stopped and spoke, staring at the steps in front of him. "I'm sorry Jack," he said. "I can't pretend that I don't care."

He climbed up the rest of the stairs and soon after she heard the door open and close. He was gone.

"Fuck."

She blinked her eyes.

She would not fucking cry.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As my wonderful editor mythlover20 has said so eloquently:
> 
> Damnit, Jack!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had plans! So many plans for dramatic endings and stuff. But somehow, Jack had different ideas. Now, how does Jack cope with heartache? Take a guess... warning: not for the squeamish!

 

* * *

 

Jack knew pain. Pain and anger were old friends; they could show her nothing new. She even knew the pain of love, the way it grabbed you by the throat and made it hard to breathe. Back when Fixer had sacrificed himself to save her, she had felt it. The awareness that he was gone – dead, so that she could live – had tightened like a garrotte around her neck.

It wasn't different now. She would get over it, like she had before. She had almost forgotten it already.

Jack threw her head back and let the alcohol run slowly down her throat, letting it burn. It made her eyes water. She slammed the empty glass on the counter of the dingy bar, waving at the batarian barkeeper to refill her glass. Even the fumes of shots, beer and ryncol drifting from the counter’s sticky surface could not cover the smell of the fuel depot. While Helium-3 was odourless, the smell of the refining machinery and of heated metal was all over the station.

The Normandy had docked here yesterday, for refueling and repairs. After the last mission had put a dent in the ablative armor from a hit by some orbital defense cannon, the Commander had thrown an angry fit and invested in Silaris heavy ship armor to be installed. This fueling station had a repair dock and they were lucky to get the new armor installed in only 20 hours.

They were coming up to the end of this mission, the original purpose, to go through the Omega-4 relay and take the fight to the collectors. The Commander had them do combat trainings almost around the clock. The last few days had been so gruelling that Jack had hardly spent any thought on Joker and why she wandered the ship like a fucking lost dog.

Jack let her eyes wander around the bar. This station was run by a human company and even had some human speciality stores. There were more humans than you would usually see on most stations, but a few batarians, a krogan, and a few turians lingered in the circular room. Most people sat around the circular bar on stools, while others leaned against the outside wall in small groups. The atmosphere was of a strained peace; everybody was armed, and watched their surroundings through half-lidded eyes in a display of forced relaxation. Even the barkeeper, who actually mixed some decent cocktails, had a shining pistol on his hip.

They watched her, her tattoos, her skin. People always thought that she was too open, presenting all her naked skin. But they never saw her; they just saw the patterns on her skin. Her tattoos were her armor, her cover.

A batarian approached her, his four eyes fixed on her back. She had heard somewhere that batarians had a thing for backsides and asses, and this guy was proving that point. He clicked his tongue at her and mumbled a lewd batarian phrase, probably thinking that she wouldn't understand. But before she had been put in cryo for causing too much trouble on the prison ship, she had listened to the batarian wardens talk about her long enough to know what the fuck this guy meant. He placed a hand on her back, slowly stroking down, and leaned down to whisper in her ear.

Jack didn't wait to hear what the fucker had to say. She swivelled around on her chair and punched him in his lower left eye. He stumbled back with an angry yell, then took a step towards her, his hand on his gun.

The batarian stopped when Jack began to glow in menacing blue. "Did I give you permission to touch me?" she hissed at him, her voice loud enough for everyone to hear - better make things clear for the rest of the assholes in this dump, too.

The room fell quiet; everybody staring at the exchange. The barkeeper was still shaking a cocktail in one hand while his other hand held his pistol loosely aimed at the batarian.

Nobody moved.

Finally, the krogan sauntered over and tapped the batarian on his shoulder. "I think you should go now."

Not many people chose to disagree with a krogan, and this batarian was not different. He mumbled some curses and stomped out of the bar. People turned away and the normal conversational noise of the bar resumed.

The krogan walked over to the bar, eyed the chair next to Jack, apparently decided that it wouldn't hold him and leaned his back against the bar instead. He looked her in the eyes with one of his green, wide-set eyes, his teeth showing in a grin. "I'm not touching you."

Jack threw him a glance over her shoulder. He looked young, for a krogan. His hide had very few scrapes or scars; in some places it even looked soft. He kept a respectful distance, but his eyes kept traveling over her figure. "What do you want?" she asked. She waved to the bartender, ordering another whiskey. The krogan waved too, and the bartender set down his cocktail shaker to slide a glass of whiskey and a tall glass of green ryncol over to them. They both downed their drinks at the same time, and Jack finally began to feel the pleasant buzz of alcohol. Her metabolism needed a lot of alcohol to actually make her feel drunk. Jack wanted to be drunk tonight, really drunk. Because... fuck reasons. She could get drunk if she wanted to.

The krogan had finished his drink. He slammed the glass on the bar, and turned towards her. "I like the patterns on your skin," he said.

"They're called tattoos," Jack mumbled into her glass.

"I know that," the krogan said, "but not all tattoos look as good as yours. Lots of humans have them. Yours look better than theirs."

Jack pushed herself away from the bar and turned to the krogan, looking him over. His hide was grey and brown with green markings. His eyes were an intense green, even greener than his markings. His crest had just begun to harden and rise on his forehead – he was not quite as young as Grunt, but not fully grown yet. He looked nice, for a krogan.

Jack was not xenophobic, aliens had never treated her worse than the humans that had raised her. After her escape, she had travelled with many people, and every species had its share of assholes. But she was wary of krogan. They could turn vicious in seconds, and even _her_ biotics could be too slow to rise. She looked him over again - he seemed quite calm. "Well, thanks. I'm Jack," she raised her glass to him. "How's it going?"

Finally, the alcohol began to sing in her veins.

"Skeev. Just stopped here for some shopping and repairs." He moved a bit closer, but leaned back so that he didn't loom over her. He only wore a breast- and back-plate, leaving his arms bare. She trailed her finger over the brown packs on his shoulder, and down the grey sinew to the brown thorns on his forearm. It felt rough and warm. His muscles were twitching under her touch, and he stared at her, a low growl rising from his chest. She liked that look. He wanted her, but he still did not touch her.

He was strong, hot, and the buzz of many whiskeys made him look even more exciting. She could use a nice, crash-against-the-wall fuck and who else but a krogan could promise to deliver on that? Not something she ever could have gotten with Joker. With this guy she wouldn't need to be careful, she could let go as much as she wanted. He could take her, all of her. No holding back.

The krogan moved his massive head to her ear, leaving a slight gap. She appreciated that he still did not touch her.

"May I touch your skin?" he asked with a low rumble, his hand hovering over her arm.

She threw the rest of the whiskey back and slammed the glass on the bar. "Tell you what, Skeevy." She hopped off the stool and pressed herself against him, ignoring his breastplate pinching her skin and letting her hands travel over his arms. "You find us a quiet place all to ourselves and you can touch everything." She bumped her hip against his leg and he grinned widely upon understanding that message. He chuckled and turned her around to lead her - his hand on her back - to the side of the bar, where a door led to a storage area and some private rooms. This was a busy fuelling station: a bar like this had plenty of rooms for lonely travellers. The barkeeper probably even provided companions, if asked for it.

Jack grinned at the looks on people’s faces as she walked past them, some disgusted, some envious. Yes, she was still her old self: never backing down from a challenge, always doing the unexpected. As they stepped into the narrow hallway she thought she saw a familiar human head next to a turian on the other side of the bar. She almost stopped to see who it was, but Skeev breathing down her neck distracted her.

The krogan waved his omni-tool over an orange lit door pad, turning it green: payment being deducted for the room. Jack waved her tool over it too to share the cost. She got payed by Cerberus; she had the money, and she didn't want to owe anybody shit.

Jack waited until the door had closed behind them to jump on Skeev, wrapping her legs around his body. She fumbled with the latches of his shoulder guards. When they finally fell to the floor, the rest of his upper armor was easy to get rid of, and also fell to the floor with a loud clunk. She sank her fingers into the plates on his chest, pinching and scratching his hide, following his grunts and growls as a guide to what he liked.

Skeev’s hands were on her back, and he looked a bit lost at what to do. "You said I could touch everything," he said, his voice surprisingly quiet.

Jack stopped and tried to read the expression on his face. She had expected to be shoved against the wall by this point, but the krogan seemed to have a different idea. Was she fucking cursed to always get the gentle guys now? If not even a krogan was going to fuck her hard and fast, who else could she possibly ask? "I said it, and I meant it. Now can we get to the fucking now?" She rolled her eyes. She just wanted a fuck, was that too much to ask?

The krogan let out a short laugh and set her down roughly. "I like you. You are _orgrandr_ , you know what you want." Skeev grinned widely and took off the rest of his lower armor, until he stood naked before her, his penis emerging from his plates.

Jack wanted to ask about the word that her translator had stumbled over, but she was thoroughly distracted by the glistening object peeking out between the young krogan's legs. It took her only a few seconds to release her belts and her clothes pooled around her boots. To take off her boots she had to bend over, and the krogan was behind her ass in seconds, his erection rubbing her groin and his huge hands stroking over her back.

He did not enter her yet but he was causing some delicious friction on her folds, putting the bumps and thick veins on his penis to good use. She moaned, finally they were getting somewhere. His one hand was on her stomach, holding her effortlessly, his other hand was moving over her chest, exploring. She suspected that she was his first human, the way he was so carefully testing the ground. He startled her when his tongue began mapping the patterns on her back. It felt very intimate, like something Joker would have done.

_Fuck, no! I'm not thinking about him!_

She turned around with an angry grunt. "Fuck me already, krogan!" She grabbed his shoulders to pull herself up, giving herself a small biotic push off the floor, wrapped her legs around his hips and bit down on his throat.

Skeev laughed loud, and it rumbled through his whole body. "Wild human, wild and strong!" He still laughed as he slammed her back against the wall and entered her in one rough push. "Your kind looks so small and fragile. But my Battlemaster has always said that here is more to human females than one would think." He pumped into her fast, burying himself deeper with each stroke.

Jack let her biotics flare up, enclosing her in a soft barrier to protect her skin against the rough, metallic surface of the wall. She found the softer skin between his brown plates, where muscles and sinew moved like ropes. His grunts and thrusts told her that he liked it when she scratched and kneaded those areas. She let a tiny spark of her biotics travel down those ropy twines of his arm and shoulder. He roared in answer, his eyes wide and he pumped even harder, filling her to the hilt.

Even Jack was surprised by the moan that left her, rough and almost like a sob. "Fuck yes, more, harder!" she gasped.

The krogan complied with a loud chuckle. He kept pumping and pushing and she grabbed his shoulders for leverage and ground her clit against his pubic plates. He was thick but not overly long and he felt powerful and all-consuming inside her. Jack felt her climax rise up, and she grinded harder against him until the build-up crashed over her in a wave of endorphins, making her whimper in relief.

She let her biotics zap out, and the krogan shuddered under them and came with a roar, slamming her against the wall with his final pumps. Jack yelled out as she clenched, feeling his hot seed gush inside her. He kept moving, slowly pumping for a full minute, until Jack began to wonder how long exactly a krogan orgasm normally was.

Finally he stopped and slipped out of her, with the unfamiliar sound of a krogan happily sighing. Jack felt and heard his seed plash on the floor, making an orange-grey puddle at his feet. He grinned and walked backwards with her until he felt the bed behind his legs, and sat down.

Jack let herself fall to the side, and crawled over to the side table that held a few small bottles of liquor in a cold storage compartment. Her omni-tool flared up when she opened the whiskey, deducting the payment. She let the drink slowly trickle down her throat, savoring the burn. The krogan had cleaned himself with a towel and Jack watched, fascinated by how his penis slowly retreated into his pubic slit. She leaned her head against the headboard and closed her eyes. She felt a bit better now, not fully relaxed but some of the tension that had been bugging her for fucking days had disappeared.

The bed moved from the shifting weight when Skeev got himself a drink from the compartment and sat back down at the bottom of the bed. She heard him drink and opened her eyes to see him looking at her thoughtfully. She raised her bottle to him, "What has you thinking so hard, young krogan?"

"I'm not so young," he huffed.

"Yeah, maybe. Still, are you the kind of guy who gets all fucking philosophical after a good nailing?" She took another sip from her bottle.

The krogan leaned back, doing some kind of stretch, and grinned at her. "You looked sad. I was just wondering why a tough woman like you is sad." He rolled sideways on his hump, facing her, presenting his body and his open slit to her.

Jack downed the rest of her whiskey, lingering on the soft burn in her stomach before she pushed the krogan on his back and straddled him.

"You know fuck nothing about humans. How would you know if I was sad?" She rubbed herself against him and felt his erection snap out of his slit right away. "There, just as I like it." She raised her hip and angled it so that he easily slipped in when she let herself fall down again. "Now shut the fuck up, krogan." She raised her hips again and slammed down hard, screaming out at the sudden feeling of him filling her.

"Skeev. My name is Skeev, you damn, wild, crazy female!" the krogan growled, but he licked her breasts almost affectionately. Jack felt that he meant that as a compliment. His huge hands held her waist, encircling it. His fingernails scratched her and his rough hide made her skin chafe, but she didn't mind. It felt so good to let go, to fuck like it was the last thing to do on this world, to slam down on him with all her might.

A tear fell when she yelled out her orgasm, but she brushed it away.  _I am free!_

Skeev grunted and curled forward as he came, his teeth snapping shut just above her shoulder. Jack flinched, and the krogan flew off the bed and against the door from her biotic push. He grunted in a mixture of pain and bliss as he slammed against the metal, leaving streaks of sperm all over the floor.

Jack jumped up and stood in front of him, pointing a blue glowing finger at his chest, zapping him with a charge. "No biting!"

The krogan moaned. A last spasm shuddered through him, making him squirt out another gush of liquid from his penis.

Jack looked at his face and began to laugh, "You like a little pain, don't you, Skeev?"

"I'm a krogan," he said as if that was explanation enough. He raised himself off the floor, looming over her and suddenly he leaned down and licked the side of her face. Jack froze, she did not know much about krogan, but she knew that licking the face was akin to kissing for them. _Too close!_

But he did not do more, and instead stepped around her to clean himself up and put his clothes and armor back on.

Jack cleaned herself up and picked up her stuff, quickly adjusting the belts and straps. When she had put on her boots, he was still putting on his back and breast plates. He stopped his movements to look at her. His eyes travelled over her body and stopped at her eyes. His mouth opened and closed a few times as he searched for words. Jack felt a bit sorry for him – he looked out of his element.

Finally he spoke. "I think you are very pretty and that you are _sterkr_. I am glad that I have met you."

Jack’s translator provided her with an explanation for the unfamiliar word that boiled down to something like 'strong.' That was probably a huge compliment, coming from a krogan.

Skeev turned his eyes away from her and continued to put on his armor. "I have to get to my ship."

"I have to go, too," Jack said, feeling content and a bit tired. "Fuck, I think I might even be late already. Take care Skeev, and thanks." She gave him a grin and left the room as he called out "Thanks!" behind her.

She walked briskly out into the bar, but stopped short when she saw Shepard sitting at the bar, grinning at her. Next to her was of course her turian shadow, looking much more uneasy than her. He seemed to be ready to kill anybody who dared to come close to Shepard.

Anger swelled up in Jack as she walked straight to Shepard, and got right in her face – it was actually impressive that Shepard didn’t even blink. "Are you spying on me?" she yelled.

"No, Jack. You’re late, the Normandy is about to leave, and I came to see what the hell you were doing."

She suddenly looked past Jack, and saw Skeev come out of the hallway. He smiled at Jack, but froze when he saw Shepard. He walked over to them and bowed his head respectfully towards Shepard. "Commander Shepard, Battlemaster of Urdnot Grunt. It is an honor to meet you."

Shepard squinted at him until recognition dawned on her face. "Wait, I know you! You are of clan Urdnot. Urdnot Skeev. You travelled with Wrex when I met you."

The krogan grinned at her, "Yes, Urdnot Wrex is my Battlemaster. We met on the Citadel, I remember you." He turned to Jack. "You are krantt of Commander Shepard and Urdnot Grunt? I'm even more honored to have met you. I knew you are a true warrior." He gave each of them a nod and Garrus an almost friendly look and walked away.

Jack realized that her mouth was hanging open and she snapped it shut. She turned to Shepard. "What the fuck?” she asked. “Do you know everybody? Did you set this up?"

"Hell no!" Shepard called out with a laugh. "What and who you do is none of my business. I had no idea that guy was even here."

"Well you guys remembered each other – must have been an impressive meeting."

Shepard shook her head, climbing off the barstool and gently guiding Jack out of the bar. "Krogan have a good memory and I have a good omni-tool." She tapped the side of her visor.

Garrus looked at her quizzingly. “When did you meet him?" he asked, his eyes still scanning the crowd as they made their way through the winding passageways of the fuelling station.

"You met him too: the krogan who wanted to know if there are fish in the Citadel lake, remember?" Shepard stared thoughtfully into thin air. "That was even before we had a real investigation into Saren."

Jack noticed movement behind them, and turned to find Samara trailing behind them. "Fuck, Shepard, did you bring everybody?" Jack stopped walking, her anger making her glow a faint blue. "Did you bring her to lecture me? Do you want to tell me that I'm fucking up?"

Shepard took a deep breath and pulled her over to the side of the walkway. Garrus and Samara kept their distance, watching their surroundings.

Shepard looked at her. "Jack, I'm not going to tell you how to live your life. You are part of my crew and I consider you a friend and I worry about you and I want to make sure that you are alright," she said. "I know you have some shit going on right now and I just wanted to know that you are dealing with it okay and that I'm here to talk if you want."

Jack's anger made her biotics prickle on her skin. "Fuck you, Shepard! You know nothing. Nothing! And it's none of your fucking business if I fuck the pilot or a krogan! You don't know shit about me, how I feel, and I'd rather fuck a vorcha than talk to you about it!" Jack yelled out.

Garrus, ever the protector of Shepard, stepped closer with a warning growl from his subharmonics.

"Shit, Jack,” Shepard said with a sigh, “you remind me so much of myself, I want to punch you in the face at least twice a day." She gave Garrus a reassuring smile, then took a step towards Jack. There was no pity in her gaze. "Listen up, princess. I know how hard it is to trust, to believe, to let go. Don't think your pain is so singular. Now you don't want to talk about it: fine. But don't think pushing away the friends that you made on the Normandy makes you so special. We all do that, and we all get hurt by it." She turned and pulled Jack with her on her arm.

Jack ripped her arm out of her grip. "Don't fucking call me a princess!"

Shepard laughed. "You know, I once said the exact same thing to someone."

Jack stepped right up to Shepard's face, her skin prickling form the blue biotic fields flowing over her. "You want to one-up me? Want to tell me how you know how I feel, how you fucking understand me? Fuck you, Shepard! Fuck you!"

Shepard stared right back, her eyes thin slits. "All I'm trying to tell you is that you have friends on the Normandy, friends who care and are willing to listen." She took a step back, giving both of them space to breathe. "You can do whatever you want; I'm not judging you. I thought what you had with Joker was great, but if it didn't work out then it didn't work out. You want to fuck ten krogan instead, go ahead! I just want you to be okay."

"Why the fuck do you care, Shepard?"

"I told you: you are on my crew and I want to be your friend, if you’ll fucking let me."

They had stopped at the small shopping strip in front of the docks, Garrus and Samara behind them. Jack had a biting remark on her tongue but it got stuck in her throat when she looked in the store window. It was a shop for human specialties, with real books made of paper, old tool sets and model kits. One half of the window was filled with books and action figures and a sign in flashy, yellow human lettering, saying: 'Perry Rhodan, rerelease'.

Perry Rhodan: the audio dramas she had listened to in the cockpit with Joker. The memory pulled tight around her throat, making her gasp. There were three action figures of Perry Rhodan and even a figure of a Mooff that looked a bit like a melted hanar. She stared at the display, wondering what Joker would like to have from that stuff, how he would smile and then...

She screamed. Her anger rose up inside like a monster from the deep, enclosing her in biotic blue. She collected her energy and slammed all of it against the shop window, wanting to crush everything in it to pieces.

But there came no crash. When the light of her biotics died down she saw that she was enclosed in a blue bubble, a barrier raised around her by Samara.

Shepard came up to her side, a crooked grin on her face, and gently placed a hand on her shoulder - it felt more soothing than Jack liked to admit. "And that's why we brought Samara along." Shepard nodded towards the justicar. "Thank you, Samara."

"Anytime, Shepard." The asari dipped her head, then turned to Jack. "You know where to find me, Jack." The imposing woman turned and walked towards the Normandy's airlock.

Shepard gently pulled Jack along towards the Normandy. "Come on, Jack, let's go home."

Home.

How weird it was to have a home – and friends.

 

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought this would be the last chapter but I just could not continue from this scene. Jack never had friends, I think this is a huge thing for her. Poor girl.
> 
> By the way, I based the krogan language on Old North, like the vikings spoke because krogan are totally space-vikings.
> 
> And last but not least: all hail mythlover20 for descending upon this chapter with her red pen of doom.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning for self-harm and cutting.

 

* * *

 

Jack avoided the cockpit for days. She told herself that she had better things to do but that didn't work for long. She hated lies and being lied to and she knew that she was lying to herself. The gruelling missions Shepard sent them on distracted her for a while but after sitting in her cave for days - throwing knifes at a piece of wood she hung up on the wall - she finally had to admit to herself that she was just stalling.

She had no reason to hide, she had done nothing to be ashamed of.

Before her mind quite caught up with herself, she was in the cockpit, staring at the orange glowing interfaces. She was sure that Joker had noticed her but he didn't show any reaction. His slim fingers kept flying over the panels, the back of his head not showing what he thought or felt. Jack had made no plan as she came up here, she had no idea what to do. Cold sweat beaded on her forehead as she searched for something to say.

Habit won out in the end and she slumped down onto the co-pilot chair like she had done all those nights before. He looked over to her but nothing in has face showed what he was thinking. They looked at each other - much longer than was natural - and Jack felt her face heat up.

Finally, she couldn't take it anymore. "Hi," she said, her voice making her sound like a little child.

"Hi, Jack," he said, turning his gaze out front again. It hit her with a painful stab that he didn't call her Sweetie.

"Sorry," she mumbled. She didn't know what else to say.

"It's okay. You don't have to be sorry."

His fingers kept flying over the interface, his eyes darting around taking in the information the Normandy presented to him. "You're not the first one to..." He bit his lip as he stopped himself.

"Not the first one to do what?"

"Change your mind."

"Dumbass! That's not..."

"Don't worry about it, Jack," Joker huffed out, the words tumbling out of him in a rush. "I've been told all my life what I can or can't do and how I should do this and that and believe me, I'm not asking you to bend to someone else's expectations. You don't have to... We don't have to be..." The look he gave her hit her like a knife in her stomach. "It's okay, Jack. It's no big deal. Don't worry about it."

"But I..." Jack desperately searched for something to say -- of a way to say what she meant -- but there was nothing but confusion inside her. She had been so hardened, so sure that she didn't need him but now she was lost.

Joker looked at her with a smile that didn't reach his eyes. "So how are you? I heard you had sex with a krogan, any lasting damage from that?" He spoke lightly, as if they were just random acquaintances, doing a little small talk to pass the time and it hurt her more than if he would have yelled at her.

"Fuck you!"

She jumped up and ran out. She ran to the elevator, cursed its slowness and ran until she arrived in her cave. She beat her fists against a support beam, just her fists, no biotics, until her blood dripped from them. Tiny drops formed on her knuckles and it didn't even hurt.

Her knives on the table caught her eye. She grabbed one - tiny and slim, the sharp steel glistening in the light - and slowly cut along her forearm. Blood rose out of her skin like beautiful lava. The pain finally gave her something to hold on to.

EDI's voice echoed through her cave. "Do you require medical assistance, Jack?"

"I can take fucking care of myself."

"You current behaviour undermines that assertion."

Jack threw a ball of destructive energy towards the ceiling, where the AI's voice seemed to come from. "Leave me alone," she spat out.

There was no answer, no sound but the little splats of her blood dripping from her knuckles. They hit the metal floor like raindrops, spreading out in a beautiful red flower. She stared at the picture she was making on the floor, her very own mark. When she swung her arm around it made a red circle. Round and round she turned, painting the floor in ever-growing rings.

She heard the door up on the engineering deck open but she didn't register what it meant until Dr. Chakwas stood beside her. Jack didn't care that the doctor led her to her cot. She didn't hear what she said. Blood had dripped on her shoes, interrupting the beautiful circle she made. The doctor stopped the bleeding with medi-gel and fixed a white pad over the cut. It was a clean straight line - it wouldn't even interrupt her tattoos once it had healed.

Jack stared at the bandage, her eyes burning. Dr. Chakwas held her hand. She said something but Jack didn't hear it. A noise – a rising scream of a thousand voices inside her head, drowned out everything around her. It filled her up, fighting to break out, making her feel like she was close to bursting until she finally broke out in a scream.

The scream died in her throat as sudden as it had come and when she came back to her senses, she was crying into Dr. Chakwas shoulder. The doctor held her lightly, one hand soothingly stroking over her back. It made her feel safe in a way she was not used to. Jack slowly pulled back and used the blanket from her bed to wipe her face. Dr. Chakwas offered her a white handkerchief, made of real cotton. She took it carefully but decided that it was definitely too pretty to blow her nose in.

The doctor sat still next to her, silently watching. Jack took a deep breath and turned to her. "I don't know why..." She vaguely pointed to her bandaged forearm and the blanket, wet from her tears, "I don't know what this is."

Dr. Chakwas let out a tiny chuckle. "Oh dear, it may have been a while for me but I'm pretty sure that is a broken heart, my girl."

"But why? It was just sex, and then it was done. I had sex with a krogan, for fucks sake. I'm over him."

"I thought so too," Dr. Chakwas said. "Then what triggered this?"

"I went up to the cockpit and spoke to him and he was so... like he didn't care."

Dr. Chakwas smiled knowingly. "Ah, I see, you expected him to be devastated and but instead he appeared fine. So this is just about a bruised ego?"

Jack let her shoulders slump, suddenly feeling very tired. "I don't know, maybe. I just thought..."

"It wasn't just about sex?" Dr. Chakwas asked.

"I never wanted more."

"The heart doesn't ask what you want."

"Fuck that shit!" Jack clenched her fists, and a jolt of pain shot up her arm. "I don't want this, I don't need this... pain" Her insides seemed to curl up and she wrapped her arms around herself. It did not help.

"That kind of pain I cannot help you with I'm afraid," Chakwas said, her hand softly stroking her shoulder. "But as your doctor, I recommend that you talk to someone."

"I'm not talking to that stupid Cerberus Barbie with the psycho degree."

"I understand, but you have friends here that are willing to help you, myself included," the doctor said. "I have to get back to the med-bay now: Tali has caught a small infection during the last mission." She stood up and gathered her bag. "But feel free to see me later tonight if you like."

Jack nodded and curled up on her cot. She needed to be alone now. But later, maybe, talking to a friend would not be so bad.

 

* * *

 

"Attention fight crew, everybody suit up and be at the shuttle in 20. This will be an all crew training mission."

Jack looked up from her plate and chewed a little faster. Luckily, she was almost finished with her hamburger. On the other side of the table Jacob shoveled in the rest of his food with impressive speed. Jack had to grin: Jacob burned calories just as fast as her.

Shepard walked past the table, nodding towards Jack and Jacob. She was about to return to reading something on a datapad when her face lit up in a smile that bathed the whole room in sunshine. Garrus stood at the elevator, waiting for her. Jack still had a little trouble reading the turian’s face, but from the way he spread his mandibles she was sure that he had the same kind of smile on his face. Jack felt a pang of jealousy at that: they had a way of looking at each other that made their love look so easy. Jack knew that it had not been easy, she remembered the strained atmosphere between them well. It had taken them a long time to get to where they were now.

She wondered if she would ever have a normal relationship with Joker one day and if that wasn't the weirdest thing ever.

The connection between them was gone, replaced by cold politeness. She had spent time with Dr. Chakwas and Samara and even with Shepard to talk about it. They listened to those strange thoughts that had invaded her mind and told her stories of experiences that she had never had. It had helped but she still could not talk to him.

Whenever she stepped into the cockpit the last few days, he greeted her, cold and friendly and she did the same. He said "Hello" and "Good Morning" and "Have a good one!" and all Jack wanted to do was punch him in the face and kiss him. It left her full of coldness and the irrational wish to turn back the time so that everything could be normal again.

As she carried her tray back to the kitchen – handing it over to Mess Sergeant Gardner – she thought about going up one level to the cockpit before going to the shuttle bay. She wished for something warmer – a carefree laugh; a little joke from him before she left – but she knew that that time was gone. She had pushed him away and he was not coming back to her.

She still didn't understand why it hurt so much.

She made her way down to the shuttle bay instead of visiting the cockpit and put on the light armor that Shepard had fitted for her. The locker area quickly filled up with the most diverse team of ass-kickers the galaxy had ever seen, all chattering away like a bunch of teenagers excited to go on a school trip. Jack let the sounds wash over her. She never expected to like these people, to feel like she belonged here, but it felt good to be part of this.

Samara walked up to her, every step graceful. "How are you feeling, Jack?"

"I'm okay."

"But there is more."

"Isn't there fucking always?" Jack pulled the laces of her boots tight, little puffs of dust floating away from them. "I've heard many stories in the past few days. Love and regret seems to be a common theme on this ship." She looked up into the asari's face. "Except for you, you never told me anything about love. At your age, you should have a thing or two to tell."

The shadow that passed over Samara's face made Jack shiver. There were things hidden in that serene face that scared her to the bone.

Samara took a breath and whispered, "I know regret and sorrow, my child, I do."

She walked away before Jack could ask for an explanation. As she watched the ancient woman walk away, all the grace replaced with a weight pulling her down, Jack wasn't sure if she wanted to know.

Shepard called them to the shuttle. Jack grabbed her weapons and hurried over to the vehicle. She pressed herself next to Grunt, who looked surprised but not offended. She almost had to sit on his lap to make room for everyone on the flight.

Jacob started the shuttle and for a second they felt a wave of weightlessness as they passed the hangar doors.

"I know it's a bit crowded," Shepard said, herself sitting on Garrus lab, definitely not minding that position, "but it will only be a short flight. While EDI and Jeff install the IFF from the collector ship, we will use the time for one last training session. The planet we are landing on is uninhabited for the most part. The area we will be using is a proto-desert so it's going to be nice and warm, but there is also a river close by where we will set up camp. We will run through a couple of scenarios that Garrus and I have developed with EDI to practise tactics and improve squad cohesion."

She made a pause and looked at them. "Our final fight is coming up. I know that this is the best team I could ever wish for. They call it a suicide mission but I intend to come back from this fight and live to tell the tale. I want all of you to do the same. We have done many missions together in different combinations. But I wanted one last training run of all of us together. This will make us better: we will learn each other's tells and quirks and we will know how to make the best of every fight."

Heads nodded in acknowledgement all around. Jacob said "Booyah!" and Grunt roared out in a krogan battlecry. Jack wondered if the tank had taught him that or if he had learned it on Tuchanka.

The shuttle touched down with a bump, pressing Jack against Grunt. She grinned, she had a new appreciation for krogans. She wasn't interested in the teen-krogan, but she didn't mind getting pressed against his armored body.

The shuttle doors opened, and a blast of hot wind blew into the shuttle. They jumped out and carried boxes with equipment, weapons and ammunition over to a grassy area. Shepard warned Grunt not to touch the box labelled 'Lunch' before she announced lunchtime.

While most of them built a perimeter for a camp, Shepard, Garrus and Mordin disappeared between the shrubs with a box between them. After about half an hour, they returned.

"Listen up!" Shepard called out. "We all have our favourites when it comes to weapons and there is nothing wrong with that. But for our first session I'm handing you a weapon that you are not familiar with or may not like. On the field, we might have to use an unfamiliar weapon at some point, so that's what we are going to practice now." She motioned them to come to her and began handing out weapons that had an omni-tool attachment glowing orange on the side.

Garrus came up to her side, his omni-tool lit up on his arm. "Two teams, triangular approach, holographic enemy targets," he said. "Ammunition for this first trainings is omni-tool generated without simulating the use of mods. We want to reinforce teamwork and tactics, not the use of shredder ammunition. We will have target practise with live ammunition later today." He tapped on his omni-tool once and all their omni-tools acknowledged the receipt of a map of the area.

In front of her, Grunt received a heavy pistol that looked like a toy in his large hands. He eyed it suspiciously, looking longingly at the assault rifle that Jack got handed. She would gladly have traded with him but she understood the point of this exercise. Shepard had sorted Grunt into team Red and her into team Blue. She walked over to her group. Mordin was already there, as well as Kasumi and Grunt. Zaeed joined them, lazily strolling over as Garrus gave them some last instructions.

The other team was headed by Jacob, a fact that the Cerberus Ice Queen acknowledged with a sour face but she didn't voice any complaints. Shepard did not lead a team: she had set up a monitoring station with all the feeds from every team member fed into an omni-station. She could watch up to six feeds simultaneously on a screen that she tied to a gnarly tree.

The vegetation around them was at the most of man-height and looked like it experienced harsh winds on a regular basis. Right now though, the weather was pleasant, warm and dry, with the occasional gust of wind. They all wore sunglasses or helmets to protect their eyes from flying sand but there wasn't a sandstorm.

Garrus gave the signal and the two groups took off towards the plain, spreading out to the left and right. The path Garrus led his team on took them away from the green vegetation, out into the dry plain. Rocks and boulders lay scattered around as if a giant had let them drop from the sky.

Jack was actually enjoying this walk, it was not often that she got to spend time outside. She only remembered the arena at Pragia as her earliest contact with the outside, and after she had escaped she had spent more time on space ships and stations than in nature. She wondered if Joker had spent much time outside as a child, fragile as he was.

It was quite strange to see how much life was around. Tiny bugs and crawlers and so many other little life forms just going on about their lives: procreating, growing, dying, and not wondering about the meaning of life or why suddenly all that she knew about life and sex was not right anymore.

A tiny bird hopped along a rock and Jack stopped to look at it. It was green with some brown spots sprinkled in and it had a long and narrow beak. It picked something out of the cracks in the rock and then looked at her critically as if it wondered what the hell she was doing here.

Jack wondered about that herself, nothing made sense anymore.

A holographic shot hit her and she groaned. The shot may have been holographic but the mass effect field felt just like getting hit with a rubber slug. She dove behind a rock and peeked out on the side. The bird flew away, angrily chattering about the interruption. A holographic projection of a faceless figure was hiding about 20 metres away from her. She should have seen it but all this stupid nature had distracted her.

Garrus's voice came over her comm. "Are you alright, Jack?"

"Yeah, no harm done."

"Pay attention."

Jack rolled her eyes. "Yes, boss-man."

She heard Garrus chuckle lightly in a way that she was not quite used to yet. She had met and gotten to know him when he still lost to the darkness. Only recently - since Shepard and he had worked their problems out - did he show his friendly, humorous side. He needed Shepard to become the good person he was. She almost wanted to sneer at this obvious weakness of his but she stopped herself: he was lucky to have her.

"So I'm the boss-man?" Garrus asked over the comm.

"Second only to the boss-lady."

"Obviously," he deadpanned.

Jack had to snicker. She looked upwards and if she squinted her eyes a little, she could make out the Normandy above the atmosphere, glittering in the sunlight. She wondered what Joker was doing just now.

"Jack!"

She winced. "Yes, fuck it, I'm coming!"

"Standard formation Alpha-Y," Garrus said. "Move out!"

 

* * *

 

After three hours of running, crawling and shooting, Jack had about enough. She was so tired that she had gotten sloppy and almost shot Tali as she changed position. That awarded her a lecture by Garrus about lines of fire and formations and communications which she had to endure because if the turian could not lecture someone he would surely explode.

In the middle of his explanation of why they did this training, he suddenly stopped. "Spirits, I sound like my father," he mumbled and gave Jack a meek grin. "I know you are very capable, Shepard and I spoke about how great your development has been. So I'll stop lecturing you, you're doing fine."

Jack opened her mouth but had no idea what she could say. She knew that she was good, she was probably the strongest human biotic alive but that was not something she had earned. They made her that way and trained her to fight. But this was different. This was about her own achievement -- something that she did herself. A stupid grin spread over her face. She was more than just someone's weapon now: she was part of a team of the best fighters in the galaxy.

They had spread out in the camp for a lunch break. Jack looked around. These people had become her friends and she liked that more than she wanted to admit.

She was not the only one to form unusual connections. Tali -- who had wanted to shoot Legion when he came on board -- was now sitting next to him, chatting with him like with any other person. Grunt -- a teenager in the the body of a full grown krogan -- listened to something Samara said. All around, the people of this team of fighters were talking to each other, working with each other, regardless of species or experience.

The wish to have Joker here by her side and to talk and joke with him hit her like a physical force. She pressed her arm against her stomach but the pain did not stop. Jack leaned back against a rock and looked up to the sky. It was too bright to make out the Normandy up there, but she saw a light flash and it planted a strange worry in her gut, just as Shepard and Tali called out "EDI?" to their comms.

Everyone stopped talking, staring at Shepard and Tali.

"The collectors attacked the Normandy." Shepard's voice was hard like knife. "EDI is trying to protect the vital systems. Everyone, grab your favourite guns, load with live ammunition, we're going up."

Jacob ran to the shuttle to start it up, Miranda gave him a nod and picked up an extra pistol for him. Jack stared at her until Miranda noticed it and looked back. There was no spite in her look, just worry. There was a physical ball of screaming pain in Jack's stomach that almost made her double over.

_So this is what real fear feels like._

Shepard had her head tilted, intently listening to her comm. Jack stared at her, not knowing how to ask the one question screaming in her mind.

Shepard put her hand on her arm and said, "He's okay, he is safe."

The ball of worry in her guts still didn't shrink though.

Shepard listened some more to the comm and the rest of color left her face. She grabbed her guns and loaded them -- every move precise and quick she almost looked like a geth. She turned to the team and everyone froze, her anger and worry emanating from here like a tangible darkness.

"The collectors took the crew," she said, the muscles on her jaw twitching. "Joker unshackled EDI to give her the ability to defend the ship."

"EDI is unshackled?" Miranda shouted. "How could he..."

"We'll worry about that later," Shepard hissed through her teeth. She grabbed a box and carried it over to the shuttle, the muscles on her neck straining. Garrus picked up another one and followed her. Jack finally woke up, took a box and trotted after them.

She stumbled into the shuttle, a drone in her ears making her numb. Someone bumped into her and she almost fell. Zaeed grabbed her arm and pulled her upright.

"Come on, kiddo," he rumbled at her, "sit yourself down. I'm sure he's fine."

How the fuck Zaeed of all people knew how she felt she had no idea.

As the shuttle approached the Normandy, they saw objects: some kind of debris floating away from it - but the ship looked intact, safe apart for a breach on the side the attackers must have used as the point of entrance.

Jacob made a pass around the ship before approaching the hangar doors when a dead collector crashed against the front window. Jacob swerved to the left to avoid another collision with the dark, gnarled body of a collector.

Miranda rushed to the side window and gasped. "EDI has vented the ship! She killed everybody! He never should have unshackled her!"

The flanged voice of Garrus came from the front of the shuttle, where he stood behind Shepard's seat, carefully watching. "I only see collectors out here, none of the crew. The collectors took the crew away before EDI vented the ship."

"Still, this AI was shackled for a reason..."

"Can it, Miranda," Shepard hissed.

Miranda's mouth fell shut with a snap.

The shuttle was dead silent until they landed in the shuttle bay. They jumped out, weapons ready, when EDI's voice sounded over the ship's comms.

"The ship is empty apart from Jeff and I. I have vented all the remaining collectors. It was the only way we could fight the aggressors."

To Jack's surprise, Tali spoke to EDI while she briskly walked towards the elevator. "Are you alright, EDI?"

"I am fine."

"I'm coming up to the AI core," Tali said.

"Negative!" Shepard's voice cut through the air. "Conference room, everyone." She walked to the elevator in long strides, the rest of the crew following her like students following their teacher. "Is Joker...?" She let the question trail unfinished.

Jack sucked in a painful breath at the implications of her hesitation.

"I'm fine, Commander, I'll be there."

His voice over the comm threw a wave of relief over her that almost made her knees buckle.

The ride up in the elevator was dead silent. Shepard stared ahead, unseeing. Garrus stood a step behind her, not touching her but calming her with his presence. Shepard's fists clenched at her sides, just like Garrus'. The armor hid most of their bodies but the tension radiated from them.

She stepped out of the elevator first and stopped dead as she looked around the hallway. There was blood splattered on the walls and the floor -- human blood mostly. Scorch marks on the walls spoke of a fight but the crew had obviously been hopelessly outnumbered.

The horror was visible on everyone's faces as the fighters walked through the battle-scarred hallway. Thane closed his eyes, probably shielding his mind from memories he would never lose, while Zaeed angrily kicked at a gun that had been dropped to the ground. Even Miranda was clearly distressed, holding on to Jacob's hand for a second.

Shepard and Garrus stomped into the conference room like generals claiming a battlefield. Jack walked in behind them. She sucked in a breath when she saw Joker sitting on the conference table -- his shoulders hunched forward, one arm holding the other in front of his chest. It took all her control to not run towards him and check his injuries. He wouldn't want that.

Jack barely heard what Joker and EDI told of the attack and the short speech Shepard made. She knew Shepard said that she intended to get the crew back -- she called it a rescue mission -- but all Jack could think of was how Joker could have died because he was alone on the ship, without anybody protecting him.

Shepard. She had left him here without protection, just with the technical crew. None of them could fight like the team; none of them could protect him. He was vulnerable and she just left him here!

He could have died. She never would have seen him again. It didn't matter what she felt for him, he was a good person; he deserved a good life, not dying alone on a spaceship. She could have come back to this ship and only found his limp body in the cockpit chair, his beautiful eyes dull like tainted glass and she'd never...

Jack stopped her thoughts with a shaky breath.

Shepard announced that the rescue mission would start in two hours and advised everyone to do whatever they felt they needed to do in that remaining time. Slowly, the fighters left the conference room.

Mordin stopped in front of Joker, scanning him with his omni-tool. "Want to see you in the med-bay now: must treat injuries. Not to worry, only minor. Please hurry. Have a lot to prepare."

"I'm fine," Joker grumbled.

EDI spoke up and she sounded like she was really worried, "Please go to the med-bay, Jeff."

"Yes, Mom," he said and slowly slid off the table to limp out the door.

Jack felt pain like a band tightening around her chest. Joker had sounded so friendly towards EDI and EDI had called him Jeff and the whole time he had not once looked at her. It stirred a wild anger inside her that needed a release.

She waited till everyone else had left the conference room and followed Shepard and Garrus into the CIC. Shepard stood hunched over the railing, the metal creaking under her hands.

Jack ran up to her and punched her shoulder to make her look at her. "He could have died! Damn you, Shepard, he could have died because you left him here without anyone capable of fighting! He could have died!" Her biotics flared with her anger.

Garrus grabbed her arms and pulled her away. He snarled into her ear. "Don't you think she knows that? Don't you think she blames herself already? What are you trying to gain here?"

He loosened his grip on Jack's arms and turned her around. "She is already blaming herself. Look, I know how you feel and believe me and she knows it too. But you are not really angry at her; you are angry at yourself."

Jack snorted loudly and pushed him away. "Oh, look who's got a fucking degree in armchair psychology now?"

"Shut up, Jack. How about you go to your man -- the hero who saved the ship -- and tell him how afraid you were?" Garrus turned around and walked back to Shepard, who still stood in front of the CIC station, as still as a statue.

Jack inhaled through her teeth, "I'm not afraid..."

"Whatever. You're wasting time here," Garrus threw back over his shoulder.

He gently put one hand on Shepard's shoulder. Her head snapped around as if she hadn't even realized that anybody was there. Garrus put his arm around her shoulders and walked her over to the elevator. When the doors had closed behind them, Jack heard Shepard yell out in an angry, ear-shattering scream that shook the whole ship.

Jack was trembling.

_Hot fucking damn it, the turian is right. I'm so afraid._

She started pacing: she needed to move, to do something. When she found herself in front of the darkened glass of the med-bay window she didn't even know how she got there. She froze, staring at the door. She wanted to go in, to see Joker, to see if he was alright and to tell him... what? She had no idea what to do or what to say. All she knew was that he could have died today and that she didn't want to imagine how her life would be without him.

The doors slid apart and Mordin left, giving her a short nod and quickly walking away. Joker still sat on one of the beds in the med-bay, his legs dangling. He was hunched forward, his back turned to her. Jack almost turned around to walk away but that would have been stupid and cowardly. She slid through the doors and let them close behind her.

She took a few steps toward the bed, but Joker still didn't react. He was using some kind of glowing tool on his knee, slowly moving it over it. She walked around the bed and stopped in front of him.

He didn't look up. "Hi Jack."

She opened her mouth but nothing came out. She wanted to ask him if he was really okay, she wanted to kiss him, she wanted to tell him that she missed him so much, but she couldn't find the words. Her eyes followed the orange glow of the tool, swinging from side to side while she searched for something to say.

He turned off the tool and laid it on the bed next to him. Finally he looked at her, his golden eyes so intense, it felt like he was touching her.

Jack froze completely. The silence became unbearable, building up between them like a shield. Finally, he turned his gaze away and sighed. "You don't have to stay here, Jack. I can manage."

"But I want to."

"Why?"

As if she knew. She was trying to make sense of the whirlwind of emotions that she had never felt before and was failing miserably.

Instead of answering his question, she asked the first that came to mind. "Are you really okay?"

"No, I'm really not. Those were our friends and I couldn't save them," he said, his voice rough from anger and pain.

"You saved the ship," Jack whispered. She knew that it wasn't enough: she would feel the same in his place.

"EDI saved the ship."

Right on cue, EDI's voice sounded through the med-bay. "If you had not freed me from the shackles I could not have saved the ship, Jeff."

"And I hope that's not gonna bite us in the ass one day," Joker said. "Can we please have some privacy now, EDI?"

"Of course, Jeff. Logging you out."

A tiny smile played on Joker's lips. "So many old movies warning me about the Overlord enslaving humanity and I unshackle the most advanced AI ever created."

Jeff turned his head away, and shuffled to the edge of the table to get up. Jack knew that he was shielding himself from her. She had done the same so many times. "I'm sorry," she whispered, barely loud enough for him to hear.

"Sorry for what?" Joker asked. He looked at her, genuine confusion on his face.

"For being such an ass. For treating you like... like just another guy."

A dark shadow passed over his face before he put his cap back on; shielding his eyes from her. "You have nothing to apologize for. We had sex and that was all there is to it. No promises, no obligations." He slid off the bed and turned away.

Jack grabbed his arm, careful not to squeeze too hard. "I... I didn't know..."

He stopped, his shoulders slumping forward with a sigh. "Don't do this Jack. Don't pretend..."

"I'm not fucking pretending!" she yelled. "I just..." She willed her brain to give her the right words but there was just this whirlwind that didn't make any sense. "Fuck!" She felt tears rise in her eyes -- as if stupid tears would help her now. "I need.."

Joker barked out a laugh. "You don't need me, you don't need saving or fixing." He turned away and she almost didn't hear him speak. "You're just perfect the way you are."

"But I need you!"

He flinched and Jack recognised the way his shoulders tensed. He knew as much about betrayal and disappointment as she did. "Don't do this Jack, just don't."

She took a deep breath and the words just fell out. "I thought I don't need anybody. I was free; I could do fucking anything -- but you... you are so good and I missed you and I thought I just needed a distraction but not even the krogan... I never wanted to fucking depend on someone and I was mean to you so you would just go but today you almost died and I never would have... Fuck!" She clenched her fists, biotic glow flaring up. "You almost died and I was so afraid..." Her throat constricted around a sob, and she desperately fought to keep it inside.

Joker stood absolutely still, hiding his eyes under the brim of his cap. A tear ran down her face as she waited for him to react, but he seemed frozen. Fear caught up with her. She didn't know what she had expected but she had hoped for something -- a little reaction, maybe just a smile -- but there was nothing.

With a sinking feeling in her stomach she realized that she had been delusional. Tears burned hot behind her eyelids, threatening to make her look like a stupid pussy. So she pulled herself together, stomping down all the treacherous feelings and began to walk away.

"What do you mean?" he asked quietly, stopping her. "You are so strong; you don't need anybody, least of all a cripple."

"Don't fucking say shit like that!"

"Why not? It's the truth. I can never be..."

She pulled him roughly to her and kissed him. He hesitated, still suspicious, but only for a second before he turned towards her and kissed her back. She parted her lips and their tongues touched in a soft caress. She pressed forward, hungry to feel him, to finally be close to him again. She sucked on his lip until he pulled back.

"So what is it going to be this time?" he asked, "I can't be like a big strong krogan and I don't want your pity."

"It's not fucking pity," she huffed out, "I may be strong, but I need you to be right." She grabbed his shoulders. "I'm an ass and I need you to be better, Jeff."

Joker chuckled, "Oh Sweetie, don't ever stop being an ass." He kissed her lightly on her cheek. Suddenly he smiled at her, realizing what she had said. "Hey, you never called me Jeff before."

It was true: he had always been just Joker to her. But not anymore. "Jeff..." she tested it again. It felt right.

He grinned. "I like it."

Jeff placed another kiss on her cheek. He frowned as he seemed to search for words. "So what is this now," his hands gestured vaguely between the two of them, "a real relationship? You and me, holding hands and drinking cocoa?"

She grimaced. "Fuck, that sounds like Pussy Central."

"But you like cocoa," he retorted with a grin.

"And I like your hands." She took his hand and stroked over the skin between his thumb and his finger.

Jeff placed a finger under her chin and turned her face back towards him. "So, we are trying this? A relationship?" he asked.

"Yeah... I think... fuck!" She looked up and frowned at his grin. "Don't look at me like that. I don't know what the fuck I'm doing."

He laughed and the relief of hearing it crashed through her like a wave of light. She wrapped her arms around him and pressed her face into his shoulder, and her tears finally spilled out onto his shirt.

"Let's get out of here," he mumbled.

Slowly they walked towards the exit, both somehow needing the other’s support as much physically as they did emotionally.

Jeff began to fidget as they approached the elevator. “Listen, there is one more thing. As much as I would love to celebrate the moment with wild sex, I can't risk that tonight." He looked at her, searching her face. "I've already got some fissures in my kneecaps that need to heal and I need to be in good shape for the trip through the Relay. I know it's some kind of custom the night before impending doom, but..."

"Shut up, Flyboy," Jack said. "I know you need rest. We can just be together, okay?"

Jeff smiled and kissed her temple. "You are the sweetest crazy lady there ever was," he murmured.

Jack smiled. She decided she loved being his crazy lady.

Down in her cave they quickly undressed and she scooted behind his back on her cot, wrapping her arms around him. She stroked lightly over his chest, drawing circles and following the contours of his muscles. His hand stroked down her leg and he turned his head to touch his lips to hers. It felt so strange to her: just holding each other, without any hidden motives. But she liked it.

They talked quietly, telling each other what had happened. After a while, Jeff's eyes were falling closed. Jack kept on telling stories of their training down on the planet until he fell asleep. Soon she let her eyes drift close too.

She had never felt so happy and safe in her life.

 

* * *

 

"Approaching the Omega 4 relay." Jeff's voice sounded through the ship, strong and confident and calm.

Jack shut down the console and ran towards the cockpit.

EDI's voice followed Jeff's through the comm, "IFF activated."

"Wait for me, damn it," Jack snarled to herself. She burst into the cockpit and almost rammed into Miranda.

"Jack, why are you here?" Shepard asked.

Jack walked towards Jeff's chair and placed her hands on his shoulders. "This is where I fucking belong," she said, her hands lightly glowing. She held a barrier ready, in case it was needed.

"Hitting the relay," Jeff said.

She could hear the grin in his voice.

The glowing red relay filled the whole viewport. It's glowing tendrils of red energy grabbed the Normandy and threw her across space and time, faster than any other relay trip they ever took.

"Brace for deceleration," EDI announced.

The Normandy slammed into normal space and almost crashed into half a dead and derelict spaceship. Joker cursed and frantically steered the Normandy around the debris, dodging the sentry drones that had been hiding in the rubble. He had to throw them around so hard that the inertia dampers could not compensate and he almost flew out of his chair. Jack extended the holding barrier to keep him seated and buffer shocks away from his bones.

She tuned the field in her mind to his body, keeping it up just strong enough to hold him in the chair without crushing him, adjusting it to cushion the impacts when the jerking ship threw him against it. It was just like the field she had used when they had had sex.

Between issuing commands and frantically steering through debris and laser shooting drones, Jeff managed to grin at her for a second. He obviously remembered this field too.

With a final, violent twist, they left the debris field and Jeff fell back into his chair and sighed.

"That was too close," he said.

"Well done, Joker," Shepard said. "And well done you too, Jack. Good thinking."

Suddenly something crashed against the ship, making all of them stumble and EDI announced a hull breach.

Jeff enlarged the picture of one of the laser shooting drones that had been attacking them. "It's in the cargo bay!"

"I'm taking care of it," Shepard said, turning to run out. She looked at Jack and raised an eyebrow, "Care to join me?"

"Sure, let's kick some ass!"

 

* * *

 

It was time.

Jeff had settled the Normandy onto the side of the collector base. Shepard assigned them to two teams to attack the base from the inside. Jack had called for two minutes so she could run up to the cockpit to talk to Jeff one more time.

They stood in front of each other and looked into each other's eyes. Jack put a hand on his neck. "I have to go: there's collectors to kill. You better be right here when I get back."

He stepped closer to her, his lips almost touching hers. "And you better come back here."

He took her in his arms and crashed his mouth to her and they kissed: desperately, hungrily, and with a promise of life.

Jack freed herself from his embrace and ran out of the cockpit. Her biotics prickled down her spine and she smiled: she would destroy them all.

She had the best fucking reason to come back.

 

* * *

**The END**

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for all who expected wild explosive biotic sex as the climax but it just didn't happen.
> 
> Joker, for all his jokes, is as much a soldier as Shepard and he wouldn't risk such an important mission for some fricklefrackle. I don't emphasise his illness much but I'm sure crawling through tunnels is not recommended for him and might result in some injuries. And Jack would understand that now, because for Jack, learning that her life is about more than just her and her survival is the whole point of her arc! She started in ME2 with the mindset of an angry teenager and by the end she has grown. In ME3 we see that she has grown into a responsible adult, caring for her students. I love that development and I love Jack so much, what a great person she becomes!
> 
> I really like how this story has turned out, thank you all who have followed it and thanks to all who discover it new and give this strange pairing a chance.
> 
> Give a hand to the most thorough editor of all: mythlover20!
> 
> Be excellent to each other!


End file.
